My own personal hell.
Posted by Rebecca Sun, 18 Mar 2007 20:41:00 GMT
Most mornings when I wake up, I feel like I shouldn’t even bother to get out of bed. But I get up, with God’s help, and I face my days and they are mostly ok. I typically end up glad that I got up. I got to see people I enjoy, or I learned something new, or saw some glimpse of God’s beauty that made the day worth it.
When I woke up this morning, I felt like I shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed. But I did. I went to church and it was ok. There were some nice reminders, and the guy who taught Sunday school said some good things.
But here I am, at home in bed, writing this blog because the weight that I feel on my heart right now is so heavy that I regret waking up at all this morning. If I could just sleep though Sunday, I feel as though I might make it out alive.
You see, I’m caught again. I’m caught in my circumstances and they are not going the way that I think they should and my heart is breaking and my nerves are raw and someone somewhere is pouring massive quantities of salt in all my wounds and I feel so alone.
There are people who care and I’m glad. There are people who don’t care and those are the ones that hurt the most.
This is where you should shut up and listen. I don’t want your trite little band-aids on my gaping bullet holes, ok?
I am here once again, with my toes at the edge of the Grand Canyon of Depression and even though I know in my heart that I’m not falling in it feels like I am because the bottom is such a long way down and my mind likes to play tricks on me.
I am so angry and so hurt and so confused and so scared and so sad that I can’t even fake my way through life right now.
I am facing a decision that I can’t make but have to make. I can’t make it because I can’t tell the different between right and wrong. But I have to make it because my life cannot continue to go in the direction it is going. Don’t get me wrong. This is not a “to sin or not to sin” question. I’m not stupid. It’s a decision that could make or break a lot of things for me because almost every aspect of my life is somehow or another tangled up in it.
Tangled is a good word. I’m tangled up and I can’t separate fact from fiction. I can’t separate truth from lies, or wise from foolish.
I can’t make heads or tails of the situation. I’m in the trenches, under fire and I can’t figure out what to do next, but I know I can’t stay where I am because I, and everyone else with me, will die. My field radio is dead and so is my medic. I’m the CO and it’s all me. Shells are exploding all around me and the guy next to me is screaming because his arm just got blown off. And somehow, in the middle of all of this utter and complete chaos, I have to make a wise decision.
Right.
