Woman is fickle like a feather floating in the wind
Posted by Rebecca Tue, 27 Mar 2007 18:28:00 GMT
My inconstant and fickle heart never ceases to amaze me. I never can go five days in one humor and most of the time I can’t go five minutes in one. Today I deal with this reality once more as doubts and fears creep into my mind and heart.
These are the very doubts and fears that God himself calmed within me, and I can’t help but wonder what it was that enabled me to let my guard down.
I often struggle with getting things right, and when I say struggle I mean my mind is dominated with the fear of failure. Sure, I am confident in my personality and confident that God loves me and that there is a grace which covers me every time I slip and fall. This, however, does not mean that I’m one hundred percent content with falling. I’m terrified of falling because falling hurts and I’m a person who is very familiar with pain. Pain is not pleasant, and I’d rather avoid it if possible.
The confidence of which I earlier spoke is new found. I was not always comfortable in my skin. There were times when it wasn’t warm enough, or when it was too hot, or it was too tight, too loose, or too itchy. I felt I didn’t fit in it. Then God came along and tailored me to fit my garment. I’m still settling in to the realization that it fits well and is exactly what I was meant to have on. For those of you who are lost in my metaphor, ask me later and I’ll explain in plain, boring, non-metaphorical English.
What I’m getting to is that though I am confident, sometimes I forget that I am. I stress and worry that I’m making a big mistake. The more people I talk to, the worse this gets. The more I research something, the more confused I become. This is partly because there is a tiny portion of me that still wants people to be pleased with my decisions. I can’t bear the thought of someone sitting in their living room, judging me for a personal life decision that I made. It sounds ridiculous, but those of you who know me well know that there is a part of me that is just that – ridiculous. I’m ok with being ridiculous. It makes me real.
Another aspect of this difficulty is that I am a forward-thinker. I have suffered the consequences of poor decisions made by ancestors, who have long since passed from this world, and I know of their decisions, and I see the cascading effect of those decisions down through the generations to me. I shudder at the thought of making a decision that will affect my children and grandchildren and others on down the line. I can do something with my life that can have a huge positive or negative impact on their lives, and I’d much rather pass on the positive.
When sticky situation arise, I tend to look within myself to see where I need to grow. I tend to be of the general opinion that if a circumstance in my life is painful, then there is something in me that needs to change so that I can rise above the circumstance. Did I mention before that I’m idealistic? Maybe I didn’t.
This week, I’ve been dealing with the concept of envy. My pastor spoke on it this past Sunday and I think my humor changed at least 7 times during the service as I took in the truth which he spoke. I had been praying for God to give me wisdom regarding spiritual growth, because I hadn’t confronted anything in myself for awhile and I knew that there was more in me that needed to change. Then I heard the sermon on Sunday and was shocked to the core when I realized that I am a deeply envious person, and that I had rebelled against seeing that in myself for a very long time.
As a result of this, I have been launched into a complete re-examination of my motives for, oh, just about everything in my life. I have learned that making decisions out of fear is really insane, but I never thought about envy. Now I am filled with the fear that it has been a motivating factor in my plans and decisions for life, and I am second-guessing everything. I thank God that humility comes with the wisdom he gives. I believe this is true because when I receive wisdom from God, it throws into sharp relief my own blind stupidity. I’m so glad he loves me in spite of myself. I am also glad that in the grand scheme of things, I really know nothing, because if I knew it all, I’d have no need for God and I am falling more in love with him each day.
I’m not sure this post has any conclusion, but that’s ok. Sometimes, there can be joy in finding no conclusion, because after all, the journey is the exciting part of life. But for those of you who are always moved to pray for me and would like to know specifically what I prefer prayer over, you can pray for this: that through this God would reveal himself to me and myself to me and empower me to change the direction of my life in any area requiring that change, and that my heart would take hold of this and not let go of it.
