This is who I am

I decided that for the sake of posting I’d write about how I’ve been uninspired to write lately. Part of this is because I have a pissed off duodenum and I’ve not been feeling well for three weeks. Part of this is because my regular blog is down and I really don’t want to fill this one up with stuff that I’d rather have posted up on the other one. Part of this is also because I’m in the mood to wallow in my misery and you’d do very well to leave me to it, thankyouverymuch.

It’s amazing how very off-kilter things get when I remove my focus from God and start focusing on me. I think it’s the me-ness that gets me down. It always has been in the past. It’s funny, because the things I want to accomplish for myself are in and of themselves not bad: success at work, success in school, shed 10 pounds and develop healthy eating habits, get married, have a best friend, learn more about God. These things are all fine and dandy when coupled with the right perspective. But I somehow keep managing to screw up that perspective. I keep wanting these things for the wrong reason: my glory instead of God’s glory.

This sounds cheesy and elementary but it’s the truth and it’s evidence of how spiritually immature I am and how far I have to go.

I guess I’ve been uninspired to write lately because I also don’t want to face this. I don’t want to face the ugliness in my heart: the jealousy, the anger, the lust for making my name important, the thirst to somehow make myself better than other people so I can lord it over them in some powerful way. It’s true people. I really am that stupid.

And God, out of his goodness and grace, still blesses me for the shred of my being that actually somehow manages to hold on to him. Although he probably is hanging on to me more than I’m hanging on to him.

Anyway, my hope is that as the rain lightens up and summer approaches, and as my real blog is restored, I’ll write more, and I’ll back myself into a corner where I have no other choice than to face myself and my grotesque nature. My will shall be submitted before God, and these things will be overcome in my life.

Sometimes, being uninspired is a good thing. When it lasts too long, the lack of inspiration can be a very inspiring force.