This is who I am

So as you may have read below, my brain is gnawing on the concept of counting the cost of discipleship.

Sometimes the cost is small, sometimes it’s big. One thing is for sure: you have to pay up daily.

I learned a tiny lesson today that I pray I’ll remember. It went like this.

Rebecca has been sick in some form or fashion for nearly a month. Rebecca settles for nothing less than an ‘A’ in her classes. Rebecca is VERY stressed about her paper and a quiz that she has to make up from when she was sick and missed class.  Rebecca did all the reading but couldn’t remember the story because she was sick when she read it. So, Rebecca made a quick study sheet and read it over and over at work this morning. Then, Rebecca prayed “God, you know I did the work. You know I’ve been honest in all my dealings with this class. Please help me on this exam.” Then, in a fit of nerves, Rebecca reads about the story on Wikipedia, and notices something that she forgot to study, so she reads it and makes a conscious effort to remember it. Later, when she had to take the quiz, the entire thing was on that one little part that she read on Wikipedia. Rebecca felt sheepish, thanked God, and told him that she had decided not to skip bible study to work on her paper, because today, being Christ’s disciple is more important to her than anything else and she’d rather sit at his feet.

(Yes, I know I switched verb tenses throughout the story but I don’t care right now so shush already.)

It’s not that discipleship is a legalistic thing. It’s not that I’m going to receive blessings because of I do “right” things.  When I prayed to God today, in my heart I gave up. I relinquished control to him and my focus shifted to where it should have been in the first place: God. He was helping me get back on track, because I’ve been off track lately.  I then realized that God honors the heart that loves him for the sake of loving him. I feel as if words are failing me right now because I feel that no matter how I say it, it can be taken the wrong way.  All I know is that my life, the big bad paper included, is all in God’s hands, and if I seek him and his Kingdom first, everything else will be taken care of.

No, this doesn’t mean I can just not do the paper and I’ll get a magic ‘A.’ It means I don’t need to worry about having time, energy, or the ability to concentrate on the paper. God will give me what I need to do that work.

Basically, I need to chill.