This is who I am

I’ve been thinking about the Kingdom of God lately, and the community that is found there. Except I’ve never witnessed that community. Sure, I’ve had friends in that community, but if I really take a hard look at those friendships, none of them are what I’d call intimate.

We talk about some heartfelt stuff, but we never go near the nitty gritty.  I think for me this is because I’ve either been rejected too many times or people  have taken advantage of my relationship with them too many times.

I guess what I mean is that the nitty gritty can cause people to flee or to give you accountability.  But those that are so happy to tell you what to do with your life and where you are wrong, those people are not always willing to listen to you, look at themselves, and see that they need to grow too. Relationships are not one-way streets, and I’ve found that I’ve had to weed out of my life those people who seem to believe that they are.

So I find myself afraid to get close to people. I find myself afraid to really commit because honestly, I’ve had enough of the above crap and I’m not interested in going through either one of them again.

But if I’m called to be in intimate, transparent relationships with God’s people, then I have to be willing to take that chance. I have to be willing to air my dirty laundry, and not retreat when other people air theirs.  I also have to be willing to confront people when they hurt me, or when they are annoying or when they need to clean something up in their lives. In the way that I have to sacrifice for my relationship with the Lord, I also will have to sacrifice for these people. I will have to give up rest. I will have to give up some alone time. This won’t have to happen always, but in a time of crisis, I should be there for them.

Right now, I’m none of these things. I’ m not even willing to make some of these sacrifices for my boyfriend. It’s that bad.

I also have realized that I fear intimacy with the Lord. It’s not that I forget to spend time with him, and it’s not that I am rebellious. I’m afraid. I fear what’s in that book, because I know what it means. More sacrifice. More work. More pain. It means the end of myself.

It’s terrifying.

And yet, there’s a tiny part of me that wants this so very badly. This is the first time that I’ve been able to see of glimpse of what it will take to get what I want. And I have a choice. I can seek it, knowing a little of how painful it will be to get there, or I can relax into the comforts of my modern American lifestyle and be lukewarm.  This will be no naive choice. Not like the ones I’ve made before, where I had no clue what the journey would be like.

It’s different this time.

This time, I’ll find out what’s really in my heart. I’ll find out what I’m really made of.

And I’m still a little scared of what I may or not find.