This is who I am

Yesterday morning, as I was coming up the stairs from the parking lock and rounding the corner of CPE, I noticed a squirrel sitting atop a low wall, and he had a muffin cup in his paws.  He was nibbling all over the paper, consuming every last tiny crumb that was stuck to it.  I’m pretty sure he enjoyed his breakfast.

This morning, as I was rounding the same corner, I noticed a squirrel up on top of one the garbage cans, peeping in it to see what he could find.  I’m pretty sure it was the same squirrel that I saw yesterday.  Poor guy probably doesn’t understand why the trash cans are virtually empty; apparently the university doesn’t notify the squirrels that the end of the Spring semester has come and all the garbage-generating students are gone.

Anyway, after seeing these two episodes, I was reminded of a time when I saw another squirrel taking advantage of someone’s leftovers.  It was late one afternoon and the pizza stand on Speedway and 24th had just closed.  The stand was operated by a local pizza chain, and throughout the day the stand received pizzas delivered in boxes.  At the end of the day, they stacked all the empty boxes up next to a nearby garbage can.  Well, on this particular afternoon, one box had fallen open on the ground, and there was one slice of pizza still in the box.  I saw a squirrel slowly approach the pizza slice.  After sniffing it a bit, the squirrel grabbed the corner of the crust in his mouth and proceeded to drag the slice of pizza down the sidewalk. I was mesmerized. I had never seen anything like this before.

The squirrels at UT are used to people, and they have come to expect handouts.  I knew a guy who was sitting on a park bench near an academic building, and while reading a book, he felt something patting his thigh. He looked down, only to see a squirrel patting his leg.  The squirrel persisted until the guy pulled a granola bar out of his backpack and began feeding it to the squirrel.  Within a few minutes, he had several squirrels and birds hanging around him, demanding their supper.  Crazy.

While I think it’s pretty awesome that the squirrels on campus are so forward, I am also concerned about the long-term affects this type of behavior will have on their health. If they keep eating processed foods, foods that are high in fat, and foods that are loaded with sugar, they may develop some serious health issues.  Before you know it, aging squirrels will be sitting around talking about how Lipitor is the greatest thing on earth.  Heart disease will be the number one UT squirrel-killer, and cases of squirrel diabetes and squirrel thyroid problems will shoot through the roof.  Eighty-percent of the UT squirrel population will be on some kind of anti-depressant, and all the squirrel health journals, squirrel newspapers, and squirrel news shows will be talking about how adolescent squirrel obesity is running rampant and no one knows what to do about it.  The squirrel pharmaceutical industry will boom, and squirrel marketing firms will jump all over it.  Soon, squirrels will come to expect a pill for everything and will deny the fact that their health problems are diet-related.  They’ll be addicted to fast food and sugar, and will have to turn to liposuction for weight reduction because they refuse to change their eating habits.

I could go on, but I think I’ve said enough that you all can understand how deep my concern is for these UT squirrels.  Education is the only way to prevent this impending disaster.  And what better place for a squirrel to receive an education than right here at UT? They have practically no commute and no housing costs.  I’m pretty sure they could get a break on tuition too, since they are a very small minority. I bet there would be scholarships galore for them.  I really think that UT should start a squirrel health education program. It’s a great way to reach out to the local squirrel community, and what University doesn’t want to have a strong community presence?

I’m telling you, we need to rally for the squirrels.  Who’s with me?