This is who I am

Lately I’ve felt guilty about a lot of things - not spending enough time with people, not going to bible study the last four weeks, not making it to church regularly, etc.

I am very frustrated, because I want to do all these things.  I really do.  I love being a part of the community of believers and I love participating in the activities where I learn more about the character of God through the communal study of his word, and  where I get to worship him collectively with those who are on a similar journey.

But lately it just seems like I have WAY too much on my plate, and sadly, the things that have gotten neglected have been the things of the Spirit.  And I feel tremendously guilty about it.  At the same time though, I feel like I can’t do it all.

What’s weird is that I pray a lot.  I praise God a lot and thank him for so many things.  It’s not like I’m ignoring him.  I dont’ read his Word every day, but I’ve gotten to where I read it 4-5 times a week, which is WAY better than it used to be.  Of course, I don’t really study the word because I don’t know how, and I feel like every time I open the bible I have no direction whatsoever. But I still do it…I do the best I can do and I know that’s what he requires of me right now.

I feel really disconnected with the community and I know part of that is my fault.  But the community has lost a lot of the “family feel” in the past six months and maybe I’m just  having a hard time accepting that.  I know that I  have to put forth an effort if that family feel is going to come back, but again, I feel like I can’t  handle everything.

With school and work and still being sick and trying to maintain a serious relationship, I feel like anything will cause me to collapse.  I thought that was what God was teaching me this Spring - lay some things and down and take care of myself so that I have the energy to give to the body.  But the energy is STILL not there and more and more each day the guilt I feel for not being active grows. I can’t see if the guilt is coming from the enemy or my own self-judgment.  There’s just a lot I can’t see right now and I feel very alone (I know I put myself in this position.)

I do have the hope of learning another beautiful lesson. I have learned that no matter how I feel or what the circumstances look like, not to despair.  God disciplines the children he loves, and I know that I am being disciplined and taught.  I am constantly aware of God’s presence around me and I feel his love on me.  It doesn’t make me less tired or frustrated, but I know He is with me and I know that I’ll get through this and come out on the other side looking the teeniest bit more like his Son.   I just have to figure some stuff out first.