This is where I am right now. (Warning: Long Post)
Posted by Rebecca Thu, 09 Aug 2007 20:45:00 GMT
Ok, internet. I’ve finally decided to spill it and let you know what is going on in my life, and for several reasons.
One, I need to write this down and acknowledge it because I’m getting nowhere by keeping it all inside.
Two, maybe you have been through this before and have something useful to say about it.
Three, I get more readers when I write stuff from the heart. Having more readers makes me feel good, because then I feel like I actually am a good writer and effectively communicate something that needs to be heard. Yay me!
Ok, so here it goes.
I am an addict, and I am addicted to myself.
Stop laughing.
I’m serious.
I have put on weight in the past year that I never imagined I’d put on in the absence of an alien life form living in my stomach.
The weight is a problem because it has affected my size. Do not give me “oh you’re so skinny” comments because I only have two pairs of pants (out of about 11 pairs) that actually fit me. So shut up, I do not have a complex, I am a confident individual, and I will not become anorexic or bulemic. Put your fears for my life aside and listen. To me.
The weight has come on because I’ve turned into my worst nightmare - the average American. I eat what I want, when I want and in the quantities I want and I don’t exercise.
This sounds superficial because I’m talking about my outward appearance, but I want to make it clear that this is not all I’m thinking of. I am poisoning my body. I’ve already made myself very sick several times this year, and guess what, that coffee? That’s really acidic? And super bad for my almost-an-ulcer? Yeah, I keep pouring it down my throat. And then my stomach cramps up really bad. And I get moody. Like I am now, because my stomach is cramping and burning, because I just had a cappuccino, and I LOVED IT.
That’s the problem, right there. The sensation in my taste buds and the lightning energy that flows through my blood vessels, probably hardening them, as the caffeine soaks into my cells, is more important to me right now than the fact that I AM CREATING A HOLE in my intestines, which by the way, can lead to stomach cancer. Did you know that?
Guess what? As scared as I am of getting stomach cancer, I don’t care. Hahah, and YOU thought I was mature!
This is not good. And it’s not just the coffee. It’s the chocolate, and the sugar, and the ice cream, and Chuy’s, and Chick-fil-a, and Coca-cola, and salt water taffy and computer games.
What’s really bad, is that this attitude of being so overly addicted to pleasing myself is affecting other areas of my life. For example. I have no desire to read the bible, or even try, or anything like that. I also stay up later than I should, and wake up groggy as hell in the mornings, and then take my happy nexium pill, and then get to work and drink coffee so I can function, because guess what? I’m highly irresponsible, and I’m irresponsible with a BODY THAT IS NOT EVEN MY OWN!
Don’t trust me with your possessions, folks. God gave me a body to use for his glory and I’m totally messing it up.
I look at my reflection in the mirror when I’ve put on a cute skirt that I love and that’s when I notice a curve that shouldn’t be there. At least, it didn’t used to be there. You know the one I’m talking about, that is shaped like a bicycle tire and is sitting around my waist. Yeah. That curve. I hate that curve, but not enough to put down the corn syrup.
I’m wasting my energy, I’m wasting my heart, and I’m wasting away doing this to myself. I know that. My heart knows that. My heart wants to change that. But there’s something in me somewhere that is evil and will.not.let.me.change.
At this point, “just stop it” is not good enough. I need to go cold turkey or something, because this is not in my control anymore.
I’m unhappy with my appearance, I feel like crap all the time, and I have no energy to function correctly in the body of Christ.
And I barely care.
There you go. How’s that for a confession?
Well, I know what you mean with the weight thing. People tell me that I'm not "fat," but it sure does feel like I've got too much extra weight on me sometimes. And having to remind myself that things I like are bad for me (Chipotle, beer, etc) is exhausting and sometimes not as important as tasting something I want.
I always feel better when I'm exercising or at least active, but I'll get to the point where just walking to and from the bus stop is satisfactory in my mind, when in reality it isn't.
I'm beginning to babble. Point is, I know how you feel. And I think I'm going to have to quit some things cold turkey too.
I know how you feel. It's hard to break out of that cycle, but once you break out of it, you feel so much better. Even when you 're exercising and not necessarily seeing any results, your attitude is so much better. Call me if you want to go climbing or walking or whatnot!
Two anecdotes... Nike- "Just do it" and Rob Schneider (Water Boy)- "You can do it"
I know they sound cliche and lame, but really, you have already professed what you know you need to do, so "Just do it" and when you feel like you can't any more, you have so many people (not to mention an all powerful God) behind you saying "You can do it".
Truly I say to you, it is much easier to do these things when your life is your own, aka single! I'm looking forward to a time when my kids are big enough to sleep through the night and go to the park so that I can get some exercise of my own.