My life.
Posted by Rebecca Sun, 14 Oct 2007 04:38:00 GMT
Today was a wasted day. I had a good time going to the farmer’s market with Dominic, but then I caught up on my sleep and then messed around the rest of the evening.
I am running out of steam, and I am running out of heart.
I was talking to my lovely mother on the phone, and she asked me when I was coming home to visit.
I don’t know. I don’t have time, and I don’t have money. That makes it really hard.
I was overcome with a severe wave of homesickness. It’s funny how things don’t work out the way you think they will.
I feel like the world is pushing at me from all sides. I have to go to work every day, and I have to be focused and in a good mood when I’m there, so I can deliver good customer service.
I have to find time to closely and carefully read my literature assignments for class, and I have a big, formal paper due this coming Friday.
Then there’s going to the gym 4 days a week so I can look at myself in the mirror and not cringe. On top of that, there’s laundry, car maintenance, going to to grocery store, cooking, washing dishes, and my share of the housework.
Oh, there’s also church and bible study, which are imperative for me to attend because otherwise I get depressed and then I really lose my focus. I also need to remain connected with other christians because if I don’t I get in a funky funk.
I also have a serious relationship to maintain, which is a joy, but takes time and effort. I feel like all the stress I have on me from everything above is adversely affecting this relationship, and I hate that.
I have friends who are pissed cause I can’t spend time with them and family who feel punished by the fact that I have excuses to not make it home.
I’m not really complaining as much as I’m venting. I just feel like I can’t handle it all. But there’s no downsizing. I can’t do that either.
So tonight I hit the wall and couldn’t do anything. I sat around and watched a movie instead, and cried to my sleepy boyfriend on the phone about how I can’t keep everything straight and I feel like I’m wasting my youth and so on.
The worst part is that I know there is no solution. I know that all I can do is just survive, which is what I’ve been doing my entire life.
I’d like to live one day, instead of just survive. That must be nice.
