Dealing with Past Shame
Posted by Rebecca Thu, 05 Jun 2008 19:51:00 GMT
So, G-d’s done amazing things in my life these past 6 years, and I’ve got confidence like I’ve never had before. I’m not worried about anything I’ve done in those past 6 years - I made mistakes, but G-d and I have dealt with them and I’m not ashamed of those mistakes. I like the person I am now, and I like the person I’m becoming even more.
It’s who I used to be, my past actions and the memory of them, that plague me now.
For example, I spoke with an old friend from high school recently. He lives in Texas now and wants to get together so we can catch up. He was one of my best friends and I always loved him like a brother - still do in fact.
But I don’t really want to see him, and it’s because he knew me back then.
I’m not sure if I’m worried about what he’ll think of me now. I’m not sure if I’m worried he’ll bring up the past. Maybe I just don’t want to remember the past. I’m not sure.
It all boils down to me being ashamed of something that is gone and will never return - my youth, my past, and a person I will never be again.
I never in a million years thought something like this would bug me, but it does, intensely. I’m pretty sure I don’t even want to go to my high school reunion next year because of who I might see and incidents I experienced with them when I was a teenager.
Is this stupid? Is this normal? Have you dealt with this at all? If so, how did you process through it?
I understand how you're feeling. I had a somewhat bad (normal, I guess) high school experience, and I don't keep up with people from that time because it makes me feel like I'm right back in that situation. Even though I've changed, as I'm sure they have, the context seems like it'd be too strong for me to be comfortable being friends with any of them again.
However, I never felt as close to any of them as you seemed to have felt to this friend. Maybe if you try your best to wipe the slate clean mentally before seeing this person (easier said than done, I know), and then always try to keep conversation about the present or future, you'll be able to start a new friendship with an old friend.
I feel like as long as I've been honest with myself (and others, of course, if the subject has ever come up) about the past, it doesn't bother me. I screwed up, sure, but I don't really feel shame about it. It's only things that I haven't dealt with that bring me those feelings, and when I do feel that way I know that I need to come to terms with something.
I've been sitting on this post for a few days hoping I'd find a good way to explain it. But you know who I am. Ask me if you want more details.