What I feel, What I Know, What I want.
Posted by Rebecca Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:19:00 GMT
Hello, L-rd.
This is what I feel.
I feel overwhelmed by the number of responsibilities that are on my shoulders, and by the number of commitments I’ve made. I very much want to be a person who keeps her word, but I am so very exhausted by everything I’m juggling that I often feel like keeping my commitments will result in my physical death. As such, I am hesitant to make any commitments to even hang out with friends. Now I’m worried that I’m becoming non-committal. Can people trust me? Can they count on me? Probably not. I don’t like that.
I chose to commit to everything with very good intentions. Sometimes the road to hell and the road to heaven are difficult to distinguish. I hope I’m on the right road, even if that means for a time I have to be completely exhausted, drained, and empty.
I am not satisfied with life because I feel like I have to squeeze You in to my tight schedule, L-rd. It should really be the other way around and I know this but I don’t know how to get there. I don’t want to establish this over-activity as a pattern for my life. I want it to be a season, and I want to know that this season has a definite end.
I want to experience joy as a result of what I do. But if I’m exhausted at the very thought of doing anything, there’s no room in my heart for joy to flourish. I want to live life abundantly, not barely get through each day on a half-whispered prayer and jar full of hope. I want to conquer. I want to defeat. I want to live victoriously. How can I get there if I’m too tired to move? Sometimes I’m so tired I can’t even sleep. How does that make sense?
I feel so wiped out. I feel wiped out spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. The trouble is that there is more work ahead. It is work that will require energy on all these levels. How can I do it if I’m empty?
This is what I know.
I know that I am justified before You, my Creator. Because Your Son gave me faith, I can stand before You, or fall flat on my face before You, and You will always accept me. I know that Your grace is sufficient and that You will supply all my needs according to Your riches and glory.
I know that You have plans to prosper me spiritually and that You are molding me into the person You already see me to be. I know that this will pass and that abundant blessings are waiting for me on the other side of this situation.
I know that You love me unconditionally, and that in You I am completely secure. I know that the condition of my heart is what you judge, and the works of my hands earn me nothing.
Knowing these things, I ask You to please honor the desire I have deep in my heart to love You above everything else that exists, and that You honor the desire I have deep in my heart to serve you willingly, no holds barred and no matter the cost. You said You would give me the desires of my heart. These are the desires of my heart, L-rd. Trembling with fear and awe, I am boldly extending my open hand to You, expecting You to make good on Your Word. Your character, after all, is unshakable and unchanging, and Your Word does not return to You without accomplishing the purpose You sent it for.
Please L-rd, enable Your word to do Your work in my heart. It’s all I want.
