A Not-So-Mighty Fortress Is My Heart
Posted by Rebecca Thu, 30 Oct 2008 12:59:00 GMT
Here’s something counter intuitive. I am in a yucky place. G-d shows me myself. It’s not pretty. But I rejoice.
Tell me that’s not weird. Isn’t it weird? That’s so weird.
What’s hilarious is that I’m sure everyone else knows this about me, but I just now figured it out, and it took G-d tweaking my ear for me to get it.
I’ve been trying to be my own fortress.
That sentence just makes me laugh because the very concept of a human being their own fortress is just ridiculous.
But seriously, all that cute and adorable sarcasm and cynicism that you hear from me all the time?
Walls.
I’m not sure that 100% of all that junk is a wall of some kind. I do have a bent sense of humor. But I think a lot of it is me putting more bricks and mortar in the perimeter I’ve spent my life building.
This really sucks because I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t really know how to let people in. I complain all the time that other people fear intimacy, but when it comes to relationships of any kind, I’m terrified of getting super close to people. I think part of this naturally has to do with the fact that over the span of my life nine of my friends have died in tragic accidents. Losing friends really sucks. But I think it’s also because I have been hurt by just about every close friend I’ve ever had, and I’ve been hurt by my family, and I’ve watched tons of people willfully hurt each other. Who wouldn’t want to build a fortress?
It’s amazing how G-d brought this to mind.
He made me realize that when I listen to people, I’m hearing what they say superficially, but I’m always listening for a deeper meaning - a subtle hint - something to warn me that they really loathe me being there. I generally feel like I’m tagging along, the unwanted little sister that mom makes big sister take care of (this is not my big sister’s fault, by the way). I don’t share my true “feelings” with most people because I don’t trust those people with what I’m feeling. I accommodate what I read as their desired nature of the relationship, and that’s what I feed them, even if I feel something completely different.
Anyway, I rejoice because awareness of this is the first step and G-d has shown me that I have this problem.
Now, what in the world do I do about it? How do I become brave enough to let myself be vulnerable to others?
"I generally feel like I’m tagging along, the unwanted little sister that mom makes big sister take care of" - I love how you are able to put things into words. I think everyone has some point, some place in each of their relationships, where they feel this way, and they believe that if they were to cross that line it would strain the relationship, perhaps end in hurt, and even the end of that relationship - which is extreme, but it's there, in the back of your mind, feeding on that uncertainty and fear.
I think for a relationship to be truly real, you have to cross that line. For me in our relationship for instance, it means picking up the phone when I feel like I must have worn you out already by leaning on you and that there's no way you are going to want to hear from me and I'm just being a burden. It means talking about my own issues when I know you already have so much on your plate, and letting you in even when what's there is ugly. Even though I've crossed that line before, it's still hard for me, because I value your friendship and your insight and God-focus has helped me so much in the past. And I just like hanging out with you. But in order for our friendship to be real, I have to cross that line when I come to it.
And you know what? You will get hurt sometimes.
Girl you're being too hard on yourself! You do strive to form relationships and sometimes they just don't turn out the way you want them too. Doesn't mean that it was all your fault. It takes two to Tango and if the other person isn't interested, then it doesn't matter if you want to be open or not.
But honestly, I hear you 100%. I often feel the very same way and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't know if it's all true - the Enemy is great at getting into our minds and turning our own thoughts against us. However, it is something I hope to improve upon in my life.
Thanks. What both of you said is encouraging.