It's pouring.
Posted by Rebecca Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:17:00 GMT
I am standing in a torrential downpour with no umbrella, no rubber boots, and no rain coat. The wind is blowing, I’m soaked through, and it’s cold. I suppose it’s dark too, and I’m probably alone.
I can’t really think of any better picture to describe how I feel about life right now. Things just keep piling on top of me and I can’t see any relief. All I want to do is run away.
I’ve lost a lot of things this year, mostly in the form of people I care about. What’s worse is that I’ve had so much work to do that I can’t adequately process through my emotions. The emotions don’t go away, they just sit there, always beneath the surface. They are pretty much just enough to keep me from concentrating.
I’m exhausted. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get enough sleep on a regular basis. I might get two nights of good sleep, but it will be followed by two nights of not enough sleep or fitful sleep.
I have a lot of people close to me who are going through a lot of difficult times. I wish I could help, but I am not even able to be a really good listener or friend because I’m so overwhelmed. And this feeling makes me feel even worse.
I’m so on edge that I can’t concentrate. Every little noise completely breaks my train of thought. There is no place quiet enough for me and G-d and there is no place quiet enough for me and my work, work, work.
I try to count it all joy, but it’s really, really hard. That is a mark of maturity that I will really have to focus on because it is tough. I am trying to look forward to the holidays - to some much needed time away from everything without a death being the central focus of it, but that’s not quiet enough to get me through.
I know I have a great community of people who love me, but it’s hard for me to lean on them because so many of them are going through their own storms right now. Or else what I need is something that they can’t or are unwilling to provide.
It’s a difficult season, but of course it will pass and five years from now I’ll remember the major events and not all the little things that made life unbearable. But right now, it just really sucks and I am having a difficult time staying positive.
sounds like a good time to get a beer :P Praying for you.
I might have one when everything gets turned in and I have a final gripe session with my therapist. I'll let you know when that happens, since I owe you a beer outing anyway!
Oh, and thanks for praying. That's what I need most of all.
You're a wonderful friend. You're too hard on yourself - I consider you a great listener and you always ask the challenging questions.
Oh, and lean on. If you wait until everyone else's lives are quiet to lean on them, you'll be waiting forever.
MC - Thanks for the encouragement. Though encouragement is inconsistent where some others are concerned, I always know I will find it where you are. I really, really appreciate it.