Grace: I've got it, but I don't get it.
Posted by Rebecca Tue, 02 Jun 2009 15:41:00 GMT
Lately, I’m chewing on the concept of grace.
I know that I’ve been saved by grace through faith in Christ, and I know there’s nothing I will ever be able to do to earn salvation. It’s a free gift, it’s been given to me, and I’ve accepted it. I try to live according to G-d’s precepts, but I miss the mark.
In fact, I miss the mark so much each day that there’s no possible way to keep track of all the things I do wrong.
But sometimes, the wrongs I do are glaringly obvious, at least to me. Most of the time, even my thoughts are wrong, and believe me, I keep track of those things.
I keep track of those things and I think about them incessantly. I don’t worry so much, in the sense that I am not afraid of losing my salvation. But I confess I’m afraid of broken fellowship. I’m afraid of losing closeness with G-d. And sometimes, I feel like I put a wall up between him just because I’m disobedient.
I’m often disobedient without meaning to be. It’s that whole sin operating in the members of my body thing, you know? But then, sometimes I flat ignore him. I flat rebel. Or I feel like something is hopeless, like I’m never going to be able to control my mouth so why try? Those are the times when I feel guilty and I hate life because it’s so damn hard to live according to what I believe. I feel like I lack integrity and that my character is terribly tarnished.
Those are the things that bring me down. Way down.
And then I think, well, if I have this attitude, I’m really spitting on the cross because all this crap has been defeated, so why can’t I live like it has been defeated? Why can’t I give myself the grace that G-d has already given me? Does He want me to mentally and emotionally flog myself? I doubt it. Christ took the beating already. No repetition is necessary, and it’s not like beating myself up will accomplish anything anyway.
So if I know this truth, what am I missing? Why is this not so ingrained in my being that I immediately remember the cross when I slip? Why do I punish myself instead?
It seems to me that somewhere, my understanding is incomplete. I just don’t know where, and I don’t know what the missing pieces are, and I don’t know where to find them.
I think living what I believe isn’t just about abstaining from sin. I think it’s also about confidently living in the knowledge of Christ, what He did, and how He changed my identity.
I just don’t know how to do that.