This is who I am : category along-the-way

Really Home

[ Posted by Rebecca Tue, 23 Dec 2008 05:22:19 GMT ]

I’ve been in Arkansas three and half days and I have to say that I am surprisingly loving it.

I’ve enjoyed the time so far with my brother and his wife and the few days I had with my sister and her husband. My niece and nephew are awesome, and I’m even enjoying my parents. As in, wow, I’m having fun with my dad. Who knew?

I’ve caught up with some old friends and spent most of my time here serving my family in any way I can. Yesterday I took my dad Christmas shopping. It was just the two of us, and I could stand him. Today it was just my mom, and she didn’t once get on my nerves. This is pretty cool.

Tonight when I was leaving my parents’ house to head back to Little Rock (I’m staying with my brother and his family), my mom hugged me and said, “I’m glad you’re home.” I replied “I’m glad I’m home, too.” Then she said, “Yeah, but I mean, you’re really home. You’re really, really home.”

I knew what she meant by this, and I had noticed it also. My head is in the game. My heart is calm. I’m glad to be here and people can tell.

What it comes down to is that I’ve found home again. I haven’t had “home” in nearly ten years, but I’ve found it again and it’s awesome.

When G-d restores things, he restores them fully and things are better than they were the first time around.

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Healed

[ Posted by Rebecca Tue, 09 Dec 2008 04:22:10 GMT ]

On April 14, 2004, I walked into my therapist’s office for the very first time.

I suffered from major depression, which left me feeling trapped, worthless, and without hope that I would ever enjoy living life.

I was angry, terribly lonely, and afraid of my own shadow.

Today is December 8, 2008.

What a difference four years and eight months makes.

Today I had my last therapy session. My therapist said I didn’t need to come back. It was a day I’ve been hoping for, but was surprised it came so soon.

It took a lot of hard work on my part, and a lot of courage that I know G-d gave me, but by His grace and through the blood of Christ’s sacrifice and the support of his people, the spirit of heaviness was defeated and I am free of depression.

I am calmer. Things don’t bug me like they used to. I’m confident, happy with myself, and no longer bound by fear.

G-d is good. He pulled me out of the dark cesspool I was in, washed me, and placed me on solid, well-lit ground.

Bless G-d, King of the Universe, from whom all blessings flow.

Posted in Along the Way | 1 comment

This Song About Sums It Up Right Now

[ Posted by Rebecca Fri, 05 Dec 2008 19:52:06 GMT ]

Revelation by Third Day

Verse One:

My life

Has led me down the road that’s so uncertain

And now I am left alone and I am broken,

Trying to find my way,

Trying to find the faith that’s gone

This time

I know that you are holding all the answers

I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,

On roads that never seem,

To be the ones that bring me home

Chorus:

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

Bridge:

I don’t know where I can turn

Tell me when will I learn

Won’t You show me where I need to go

Oh oh

Let me follow Your lead,

I know that it’s the only way that I can get back

home

Chorus:

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

Posted in Moods, What's He Doing?, Along the Way | no comments

Ready to Train for Battle

[ Posted by Rebecca Wed, 26 Nov 2008 14:15:45 GMT ]

Lately I’ve been feeling like a coward in my walk with the L-rd. I feel like I hide under a rock and pray and wait for the L-rd to come and rescue me from the evil that is everywhere.

I’m tired of living that way. I want to draw my sword and charge the gates of hell. After all, Christ said they would not prevail. I want to sever the head of the enemy and stop his forked tongue from spreading lies.

I want to be like Aragorn in this scene.

I want to refuse to believe the lies that seek to destroy my hope and keep me from standing up for the Truth.

I am seeking wisdom on how to get there. I feel like I barely know enough of the Word to be qualified to attack. It is the Sword of the Spirit, but I feel like I don’t know how to wield it. I want to know. I want to train for battle. I’m tired of hiding.

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Not Self-Reliance, G-d Reliance.

[ Posted by Rebecca Sat, 22 Nov 2008 17:56:13 GMT ]

Lately I’ve been running on very little energy. I’ve had a lot on plate and in my heart and it’s been difficult to manage daily living on top of deep emotional pain.

But I am surrounded by an incredible community of believers who fight for me, pray for me, and support me through everything. That’s a huge comfort.

I also have a G-d who gives me everything I need to make it to the next safe place. It can be an encouraging word from a friend. It can be a scripture verse I hear on the radio. It can be honesty flowing from the mouth of a dearly loved one. It can even be a refreshing and unexpected blog post that I am privileged to read. It can be one of those community members just saying “Hey, I’m praying for you.”

In the past two months, I have not been able to go more than three days without feeling emotional crisis. Every single time, G-d has given me exactly what I need to get through it. During this desert experience, He is teaching me that even when I know nothing and even when I feel like my path and future are shrouded with shadows, I can trust him completely to place my feet on solid ground and to provide what I need the second it is necessary.

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Limbo This Limbo That

[ Posted by Rebecca Thu, 20 Nov 2008 15:09:08 GMT ]

It’s one thing to trust G-d with the outcome of a situation and know full well that whatever happens, you’ll be ok.

But I’m finding that it’s another thing altogether to be at peace with whatever happens, and it’s even more difficult to be at peace when you can’t see at all which direction things are going. There’s no preparing yourself. There’s no knowing what to do with your emotions.

I never knew it before, but limbo is more uncomfortable than pain, because you can learn to deal with pain. You know what to expect with it, and you can cope with it.

But limbo - which way does your heart go? How long do you have to stay there? What’s going to happen?

I feel like a lot of areas of my life are in limbo right now. I won’t go into details on any of them, but let’s just say they span my family, my relationships, my career path, and my future in general.

Sometimes I’m hopeful, other times afraid. Sometimes I can wait, other times I feel like waiting another second for knowledge with be the death of me.

I know very well that G-d will provide everything I need in the season it is necessary. I know that He will finish the good work He began in me. I know all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. I know all of that.

But there’s an emotional storm taking place in my heart that isn’t settling down. It isn’t taking any direction. It’s just a mess. And I don’t know what to do with it.

It’s a very strange season right now.

Posted in Along the Way | 2 comments

Huge Praise!

[ Posted by Rebecca Tue, 11 Nov 2008 00:35:26 GMT ]

My therapist told me this evening that I’m good for a once per month check-up!

God is awesome folks. He did this miracle in me and didn’t even need meds to accomplish it.

Soon, I’ll be completely finished with therapy.

Hallelujah!

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A Not-So-Mighty Fortress Is My Heart

[ Posted by Rebecca Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:20:27 GMT ]

Here’s something counter intuitive. I am in a yucky place. G-d shows me myself. It’s not pretty. But I rejoice.

Tell me that’s not weird. Isn’t it weird? That’s so weird.

What’s hilarious is that I’m sure everyone else knows this about me, but I just now figured it out, and it took G-d tweaking my ear for me to get it.

I’ve been trying to be my own fortress.

That sentence just makes me laugh because the very concept of a human being their own fortress is just ridiculous.

But seriously, all that cute and adorable sarcasm and cynicism that you hear from me all the time?

Walls.

I’m not sure that 100% of all that junk is a wall of some kind. I do have a bent sense of humor. But I think a lot of it is me putting more bricks and mortar in the perimeter I’ve spent my life building.

This really sucks because I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t really know how to let people in. I complain all the time that other people fear intimacy, but when it comes to relationships of any kind, I’m terrified of getting super close to people. I think part of this naturally has to do with the fact that over the span of my life nine of my friends have died in tragic accidents. Losing friends really sucks. But I think it’s also because I have been hurt by just about every close friend I’ve ever had, and I’ve been hurt by my family, and I’ve watched tons of people willfully hurt each other. Who wouldn’t want to build a fortress?

It’s amazing how G-d brought this to mind.

He made me realize that when I listen to people, I’m hearing what they say superficially, but I’m always listening for a deeper meaning - a subtle hint - something to warn me that they really loathe me being there. I generally feel like I’m tagging along, the unwanted little sister that mom makes big sister take care of (this is not my big sister’s fault, by the way). I don’t share my true “feelings” with most people because I don’t trust those people with what I’m feeling. I accommodate what I read as their desired nature of the relationship, and that’s what I feed them, even if I feel something completely different.

Anyway, I rejoice because awareness of this is the first step and G-d has shown me that I have this problem.

Now, what in the world do I do about it? How do I become brave enough to let myself be vulnerable to others?

Posted in Questions?, Along the Way | 4 comments