Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 20 May 2008 14:12:00 GMT
Today my mind is full.
It is full of hopes and dreams, worries and fears. It is full of good memories, laughter, and people-sparkles. You know what I mean by people-sparkles - those moments in every day life when you catch a glimpse of a person’s soul in the way the corner of their mouth crinkles when they smile or in the way their fingers move when they open an envelope. People-sparkles look like G-d’s love.
My mind is also full of things I wish I could forget, like how I hurt that person, or ruined this friendship. We all have regrets.
Some days my head is full like this and I can’t make heads or tails of what I’ve done, or what I’ve missed out on, or why I’ve been so ridiculously blessed beyond belief.
Today is not one of those days, and for that I’m thankful.
Today is a day of perspective - a fleeting understanding of a minute part of the grand scheme. Today it all doesn’t matter, because it’s not anything I have to control anyway. Today I stand and know that I’ve been forgiven by my Creator, and that He loves me and therein lies my value and worth as a human being.
I’m tired today. My stomach hurts and I’ve developed a new case of semi-chronic heartburn. But today I feel like I can take anything on because I know where I’ve been made to stand - on the most solid ground that exists - the one truth of the one living G-d.
Posted in Along the Way | Tags today | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 25 Apr 2008 14:56:00 GMT
Holy Cow.
I’ve been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay stressed out about my finances this month because moving was expensive, plus we’ve sunk a ton of money into pest control and cleaning products. Our utility deposits will come due in May and that’s going to be really expensive, plus I’m in a wedding at the end of May and I have a lot of expenses for that as well. I wasn’t really sure how I was going to make it all work.
Then I realized that I wasn’t going to make it all work.
Then I asked G-d to make it all work, because I always think of that second instead of first.
Lots of things happened that were going to help - I got a raise and I sold my guitar that I never play to someone who can pick up just about any musical instrument and make it walk and talk.
That was going to bring me closer to what I needed but wasn’t going to get me there. The economic stimulus was going to help too, but I used the IRS calculator on their website and it looked like I was only going to get the minimum.
That was going to work to meet my needs, if I was extremely careful and more frugal than usual.
I got my economic stimulus payment today via direct deposit - a full week earlier that I was expecting.
It was also the full amount.
My jaw literally dropped when I saw it in my account. The timing was perfect, the blessing was more than I expected.
Once again, G-d stayed true to his word. He is amazing.
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Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 10 Apr 2008 19:06:00 GMT
A living picture of what God’s protection is like.
Thanks for sharing it, Marci.
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Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 03 Apr 2008 18:08:00 GMT
I should be shocked, but I’m not.
This is not good.
I should be shocked at my own disobedience towards God, but I’m not.
We studied Daniel chapter 9 this week and Daniel was distressed as he cried out to God, not only at the blatant disobedience and lack of repentence by his people, but at his own part in this - his own sin in missing the mark.
And Daniel was highly esteemed by God. He was given the blessing of vision interpretations, and he was even blessed with visions of his own. But he was humble enough to be grieved at his own disobedience.
I am not.
My repentent prayers are honest, but somehow they are not heartfelt. I don’t hurt when I disobey. I don’t grieve. I don’t fast in sackcloth and ashes and pray all day because I sinned.
I don’t know if living in the post-crucifixion era makes a difference…is it just easier for me to accept that I’m forgiven because I know that my debt has been paid? Should that really be my attitude?
I feel that when I sin, the very act of disobeying God should provoke a deep emotional response in my heart…not only because I’ve disobeyed him, but because I’ve hurt him and I’ve made his name empty.
And I shouldn’t be living like I’m still a slave to those things, because in reality, I’m not.
My heart needs a lot of work.
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Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 01 Apr 2008 12:51:00 GMT
G-d recently blessed Becky and me with a beautiful, affordable duplex that is in the right location, has the right amenities, and has a good landlord.
We are excited and love it.
However, the past two days there has been one drawback (a fixable one) of a nature that I abhor.
Cockroaches.
Call them water bugs, call them Periplaneta americana Linnaeus. Call them whatever you want. They are big, ugly, and disgusting. I hate them more than any other creature.
They really like my bathroom.
This doesn’t work.
I don’t know if it’s because my bathroom is on an outside wall or if it is because the duplex has shifted and there is now an access point to my bathroom that fits roaches, or if it is because the funky 80s wallpaper is peeling a bit, but I had one in there the second night and two in there last night. That’s three too many, if you ask me.
So we’re going to talk to the landlord and I’m sure he’ll take care of it.
I was thinking about it last night, and I was wondering why the Sovereign G-d couldn’t just keep them from coming into the house. I mean, He created them to clean up the earth, right? They serve a purpose and that’s fine. But I clean my bathroom. I don’t need roaches to do it. So why can’t He just keep them out of the house for us? Is there some great lesson that He wants to teach me or Becky that involves good old American cockroaches?
Apparently there is.
As I was dozing on the bus this morning, visualizing cockroaches crawling around in a white vast space (I really, really hate them) with their clingy legs, their long antennae waving and the sound they make when the brush against things (shudder), a song came on my ipod and the lyrics caught my attention.
“Arms of Love” by Kutless
I sing a simple song of love
To my Savior, to my Jesus.
I’m grateful for the things You’ve done,
My loving Savior, my precious Jesus.
My heart is glad that You’ve called me Your own.
There’s no place I’d rather be than
In Your arms of love,
In Your arms of love.
Holding me still, holding me near,
In Your arms of love.
Somehow, the Holy Spirit made a connection in my brain between me whining to G-d about cockroaches and being thankful for all He has done for me.
Sent His son to be beaten, flogged, humiliated, tortured, and brutally murdered so that I could live forever in fellowship with G-d.
Reached down into the depths of my own personal hell (severe depression) and pulled me out, setting me on solid ground in broad daylight where I had a chance of actually getting through the day without killing myself.
Changed my heart and taught me how to forgive, how to move on, how to love Him, myself and others. Taught me that His love for me defines my worth and value, and that the world can go fly a kite.
Placed me within a community of believers who have and continue to support me, encourage me, love me, and teach me. Gave me spiritual parents, brothers and sisters. I am not alone, and I am not lonely.
Brought a wonderful man into my life who has taught me and helped me grow just by being his wonderful self. I’ve learned more from him that I have from anyone else. Thanks for being who G-d made you to be, Dom.
Gave me the ability and opportunity to make wealth so that I would have money to secure housing, food, clothing, etc.
Gave me two of the best girlfriends anyone could ask for. Ladies, you know who you are, and whether you believe or not, I believe you are both divine gifts. You’d have to know where I was before I met you to understand, I think.
Showed me what is in my heart, what my desires are, what my gifts and talents are, and what direction I should go in.
So what’s the lesson?
Heh.
I’m arrogant, selfish, demanding, forgetful, ungrateful, and conceited.
Ok, G-d. I’m getting used the fact that You teach me things by whatever means necessary because You love me, you have a plan for my life, and You know what I am capable of becoming by your grace, mercy and power. You got my attention.
Today, I will be thankful for everything You’ve done, and I’ll be thankful that You hold me and guide every step I make because You love me unconditionally.
Because when it comes down to it, I’d much rather choose being in a right relationship with You than a home that is pest free. Do what You will, Lord, just don’t stop teaching me these lessons. They are more valuable than anything this world could offer me.
Posted in Along the Way | Tags cockroaches, d, G | 2 comments
Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 21 Mar 2008 14:46:00 GMT
10 Then the sons of Israel cried out to the LORD, saying, “We have sinned against You, for indeed, we have forsaken our God and served the Baals.”
11 The LORD said to the sons of Israel, “Did I not deliver you from the Egyptians, the Amorites, the sons of Ammon, and the Philistines?
12 “Also when the Sidonians, the Amalekites and the Maonites oppressed you, you cried out to Me, and I delivered you from their hands.
13 “Yet you have forsaken Me and served other gods; therefore I will no longer deliver you.
14 “Go and cry out to the gods which you have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your distress.”
15 The sons of Israel said to the LORD, “We have sinned, do to us whatever seems good to You; only please deliver us this day.”
16 So they put away the foreign gods from among them and served the LORD; and He could bear the misery of Israel no longer.
–Judges 10:10-16
Can you spot the beautiful part?
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Posted by Rebecca
Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:23:00 GMT
Yesterday I decided to look at the Summer 2008 course schedule because hey, I only have five classes left until I earn my degree. So hey, I need to figure out what I’m going to choose to learn in the next year.
So I clicked around and looked at Spanish classes (I lack two foreign language credits) and then I hopped on over to the English classes.
Nifty. They are offering the creative writing class I dropped this spring at the end of the summer. Am I crazy enough to attempt it in five weeks when trying to handle it over the course of four months didn’t work? I just might be.
Then I noticed that the English department is offering a course on Jane Austen, who is one of the three British authors I can actually stand to read and even enjoy (the other two being William Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde). This would be a class I would really love to take and it isn’t offered very often. It would also count towards my degree, but so would the creative writing course. Since I don’t want to take more classes than necessary for my degree, I may be forced to pick and choose here.
You may be wondering, “But why can’t you take the Jane Austen class this summer and take the creative writing class in the fall?”
Well, technically I could, except that I also want to take “History of the English Language” in the fall. I have only two elective English courses left, so you can see here where I may feel a little stuck.
I thought it over last night, and decided that I will choose one track (creative writing 1 and 2) or the other (Jane Austen and History of English Language) to take before I complete my degree. Then, once I have the beautiful piece of parchment that costs a ton of money and time and blood and sweat and tears, I will go back and take the other two classes as a non-degree seeker because UT will still pay for them.
If I still work here.
There’s some risk involved. Do I take creative writing classes (which I’ve professed is my dream) or do I take stuff I’d really love to learn and be exposed to? Which one is more important to me?
You may be wondering, “But if creative writing is your dream, then wouldn’t that be the obvious choice?”
For a logical person of static thought and character, yes. But I’m not really any of those things and I’ve been doing more soul searching lately and for the first time in forever I’m not sure about the writing thing. That’s all I know right now. I don’t know why I’m not sure, or how I came to be not sure, I just know that I’m not sure.
Choices and decisions. A possible dream on the line. A possible opportunity to make a decision I’ll later regret.
The next few weeks will be filled with nights where I lay awake until the wee hours mulling this over, because that’s just the kinda gal I am.
It will be fun.
Posted in Along the Way | Tags classes, decision, uncertainty | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:50:00 GMT
Fairly recent, very interesting news.
Phil, thanks for sending this my way.
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Posted by Rebecca
Mon, 31 Dec 2007 15:09:00 GMT
What I remember the most about 2007 is being sick. It feels like I’ve been sick all year.
Allergies, duodenitis, two sinus infections, vertigo, migraines, and a few other things have plagued me this year, and it seems like just as one ended, another one began.
As a result of this I’ve been less active than usual, withdrawing from friends and society a great deal more than my introverted self normally does, and staying indoors more than is good for me.
It’s been a funky year. And you know what? I’m very glad that it’s nearly over, because I have hopes that next year will be better.
07 wasn’t all bad, though. I’ve learned a few things about God and about myself, which is never a bad thing. I’ve also learned how to foster deeper relationships…this will be an ongoing lesson but I’m much better at it this year than I have been in the past. I’ve sorted out some longterm emotional issues and am now ready to start new with some things in my life. I got through three more classes as school, and am now 9 hours closer to having my degree.
What is my hope for 08? Furthering my walk with God, figuring out what I really need to do…as in, what are my real priorities in life (this will take much prayer and soul searching, I’m sure), knocking out at least 9 more hours of school, losing 15 pounds (all that sitting around due to illness this year has yielded some bad habits that I need to break), growing closer to my friends, spending more time outdoors, and lots of writing.
Happy New Year everyone! May this one be filled with more blessings than the last!
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Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:04:00 GMT
I’m not sure if it’s because my brain has finally decompressed from the awful class I took this semester or if the stampeding snot associated with the raging sinus infection which is currently afflicting me has awakened some other sense within me, but I find myself once again turning to thoughts of creative writing.
This can only be a good thing.
Most of my thoughts are questions of the “how-to” sort. Here is a list of them.
1) How do you capture the pure essence of an ethereal moment?
The fleeting feeling you have on the occasion of personal revelation.
The energy and electricity that envelopes you when you experience your first kiss with the person who you are destined to be with forever.
The overwhelming sense of wonder that washes over you when you behold a breathtaking aspect of nature, like an elaborate sunrise, a lone eagle soaring above a peak, or an instantaneous flash of lightning in a violent, earth-shaking thunderstorm.
2) How do you reveal the intricate characteristics/character of a person, real or imaginary?
The way the skin crinkles around the corners of their mouth when the smile or laugh.
The way their eyes reveal what they are truly thinking when they are concealing their emotions from you.
The way they process thoughts when making an important decision.
The delicate changes in their tone of voice when they are apologetic, comforting, loving, frustrated, soul-tired, or bored.
These are just some of the questions I have right now, and I’m not expecting to find the answers soon. Part of the creative process is figuring out how to express what you can see/feel/understand in an interesting, tangible and relatable way.
I’ve got my work cut out for me, but that’s ok.
There’s hope.
There’s hope because I’m thinking about writing again. I was honestly having second thoughts about writing this semester, I guess because this class took everything out of me. But the fact that I’m chewing on all of this again gives me hope that the itch it still there, the passion still exists, and the drive to create something beautiful is continually increasing. And for those of you who haven’t figured it out yet, once I set my mind on something, I work against all odds until I achieve the goal.
So yeah, there’s hope, and I can do a lot with that.
Posted in Along the Way | Tags writing | 1 comment
