The Most Lonely Times

[ Posted by Rebecca Sun, 09 Sep 2007 21:20:51 GMT ]

The most lonely times are when you are in a fight with your best friend, which could result in some of your hopes and dreams crashing down around you. You’re at home by yourself, your room is clean, your car is clean, you’ve been grocery shopping, you’ve finished the book for your class a week early, and everyone has plans or isn’t answering your phone calls.

They are times when you feel like you can’t even really get a hold of God.

They are the times when all your worst fears echo inside your head and you can’t shut them up.

They are the times when you can’t do a damn thing but wait for time to pass and bring an opportunity, or the inevitable.

Those are the most lonely times.

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A little nice goes a long way sometimes.

[ Posted by Rebecca Mon, 20 Aug 2007 20:39:37 GMT ]

It’s funny how a kind compliment from someone you barely know can really lighten your mood.

This past weekend was really rough, both physically and emotionally. I was fairly ill most of the weekend (spent a lot of time in bed, having multiple near-death experiences) and also had lots of physical labor-type things to do, all of which I got done, thankfully.

I was (and still am) also trying VERY hard to not be a girl, and not count down the days before Dominic leaves for two weeks on his man trip, and I’m trying to not imagine missing him, and I’m trying to not imagine feeling lonely on Tuesday evenings. And trying really hard to not imagine him getting mugged and/or beaten to death in some train tunnel somewhere on the other side of the planet.

I was also taken aback on Saturday by an unexpected phone call which racked my emotions.

Not to mention comments, criticisms and other obnoxious/annoying/upsetting remarks/dirty looks/insinuated frustrations laid on me by a variety of individuals from Friday to now.

No wonder then, that today, a simple comment came across my path like a breath of fresh air.

A graduate student, who was sitting in my office, waiting to hear the results of her proposal defense, commented that she really appreciated my artistic sense. I recently hung some artwork in my office and the place now looks like a professional environment. She admired my ability to match colors, my artistic taste in general, and my writing skills. It made me feel good to feel like I can do something right, in the midst of feeling like I do everything wrong.

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Feeling...

[ Posted by Rebecca Thu, 16 Aug 2007 21:18:53 GMT ]

…a little blue, let down and disappointed, and tired.

How are you feeling?

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More whine with your cheese?

[ Posted by Rebecca Fri, 10 Aug 2007 04:05:07 GMT ]

So two people have told me this week that I have a lot to give people and can minister to them in unique ways that other people can’t.

I know I’m supposed to listen to this and I’m probably supposed to be inspired by it, but I’m too busy focusing on how I just can’t put down the twinkies.

And I’m up too late tonight. I can’t sleep because I’m wondering if I really am the world’s biggest bitch. Because based on certain reactions to things I say to people, you’d think I must be.

Yeah. It’s gonna be a late night. Thank God for coffee.

Or maybe not.

Sigh.

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I have a dream that one day, will probably never come true.

[ Posted by Rebecca Wed, 13 Jun 2007 19:37:41 GMT ]

Lately, I’ve been feeling like someone else is living my dream.

I look around and I see so many people who have he kind of life I’ve always wanted. It’s not that I hate them for having it, because I’m happy that they are happy. I just want my dreams to come true, and I’m beginning to wonder if they ever will.

I know that I am envious and that I’m not trusting God right now like I should. I know He has ordered my steps and has an awesome life laid before me. I know he will meet all my needs and never leave me. I don’t question his presence in my life or that he loves me, and I have no trouble being honest with him when we talk.

But somehow, right now, that doesn’t make me feel better. Maybe my heart is calloused, I dunno. Everyone I’ve talked said this is a normal part of being a woman. I hope so, because then maybe it will pass in time.

I just want to be the one living the dream. But as always, I feel like I am on the outside looking in, like there is no place for me in that dreamworld, like I’m banned from it for some obscure and unknown reason.

So, I’m waiting for the lesson. I know it’s coming, and there’s a part of me that is really excited about it, because the lessons God teaches me are always incredible. But the other part of me is so very tired of always having my nose to the grindstone in every area of my life and having virtually nothing to show for it.

Hopefully, my ship will come in before I die. Then I can actually enjoy it.

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My own personal hell.

[ Posted by Rebecca Mon, 06 Aug 2007 15:00:56 GMT ]

Most mornings when I wake up, I feel like I shouldn’t even bother to get out of bed. But I get up, with God’s help, and I face my days and they are mostly ok. I typically end up glad that I got up. I got to see people I enjoy, or I learned something new, or saw some glimpse of God’s beauty that made the day worth it.

When I woke up this morning, I felt like I shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed. But I did. I went to church and it was ok. There were some nice reminders, and the guy who taught Sunday school said some good things.

But here I am, at home in bed, writing this blog because the weight that I feel on my heart right now is so heavy that I regret waking up at all this morning. If I could just sleep though Sunday, I feel as though I might make it out alive.

You see, I’m caught again. I’m caught in my circumstances and they are not going the way that I think they should and my heart is breaking and my nerves are raw and someone somewhere is pouring massive quantities of salt in all my wounds and I feel so alone.

There are people who care and I’m glad. There are people who don’t care and those are the ones that hurt the most.

This is where you should shut up and listen. I don’t want your trite little band-aids on my gaping bullet holes, ok?

I am here once again, with my toes at the edge of the Grand Canyon of Depression and even though I know in my heart that I’m not falling in it feels like I am because the bottom is such a long way down and my mind likes to play tricks on me.

I am so angry and so hurt and so confused and so scared and so sad that I can’t even fake my way through life right now.

I am facing a decision that I can’t make but have to make. I can’t make it because I can’t tell the different between right and wrong. But I have to make it because my life cannot continue to go in the direction it is going. Don’t get me wrong. This is not a “to sin or not to sin” question. I’m not stupid. It’s a decision that could make or break a lot of things for me because almost every aspect of my life is somehow or another tangled up in it.

Tangled is a good word. I’m tangled up and I can’t separate fact from fiction. I can’t separate truth from lies, or wise from foolish.

I can’t make heads or tails of the situation. I’m in the trenches, under fire and I can’t figure out what to do next, but I know I can’t stay where I am because I, and everyone else with me, will die. My field radio is dead and so is my medic. I’m the CO and it’s all me. Shells are exploding all around me and the guy next to me is screaming because his arm just got blown off. And somehow, in the middle of all of this utter and complete chaos, I have to make a wise decision.

Right.

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For Female Readers

[ Posted by Rebecca Mon, 06 Aug 2007 15:28:43 GMT ]

Here’s something that bugs me that I think about every month.

I think about it every month because my preferred brand of feminine hygiene product has flowers or butterflies or something cheesy on the wrapper and a message that says “Have a happy period!”

Yeah. Because feeling like the old dirty chewing gum that some fat guy just scraped off the bottom of his shoe really makes me think of flowers. And butterflies.

Have a happy period! Are you kidding me?

I have cramps. I’m constantly nauseous. My head is pounding. I’m sleepy and I can’t concentrate. All of the things that I am normally not insecure about are suddenly a BFD, and oh my gosh is that ANOTHER zit?

Worst of all, none of my pants fit. NONE!

Happy? I’ll give you happy. Jerk.

I think that the wrappers on tampons and maxi pads should be more like the messages in fortune cookies. There’s a tiny bit of excitement when you bust open a fortune cookie, because this time, you might get a message that is actually relevant. Or it may be so poorly translated that it’s funny. Who doesn’t need a laugh from time to time?

I think it should be the same with feminine plumbing products. They should say something encouraging like “It will be over soon,” or “You can handle this, you’ve dealt with it before.”

Or how about, “I know you feel fat, but you’re still beautiful.”

“You can’t even tell that’s a zit.”

“It’s ok. Your body needed that snickers bar.”

“It’s not as bad as giving birth.”

“You aren’t bloated. Your pants just shrank in the dryer.”

“You’re not high-maintenance. He’s just an idiot.”

If we have to deal with these annoying pieces of cotton or these slabs of dri-weave that don’t breathe, the wrapper should AT THE VERY LEAST understand what we are going through and present a useful thought.

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