Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 30 Oct 2008 12:59:00 GMT
Here’s something counter intuitive.
I am in a yucky place.
G-d shows me myself.
It’s not pretty.
But I rejoice.
Tell me that’s not weird. Isn’t it weird?
That’s so weird.
What’s hilarious is that I’m sure everyone else knows this about me, but I just now figured it out, and it took G-d tweaking my ear for me to get it.
I’ve been trying to be my own fortress.
That sentence just makes me laugh because the very concept of a human being their own fortress is just ridiculous.
But seriously, all that cute and adorable sarcasm and cynicism that you hear from me all the time?
Walls.
I’m not sure that 100% of all that junk is a wall of some kind. I do have a bent sense of humor. But I think a lot of it is me putting more bricks and mortar in the perimeter I’ve spent my life building.
This really sucks because I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t really know how to let people in. I complain all the time that other people fear intimacy, but when it comes to relationships of any kind, I’m terrified of getting super close to people. I think part of this naturally has to do with the fact that over the span of my life nine of my friends have died in tragic accidents. Losing friends really sucks. But I think it’s also because I have been hurt by just about every close friend I’ve ever had, and I’ve been hurt by my family, and I’ve watched tons of people willfully hurt each other. Who wouldn’t want to build a fortress?
It’s amazing how G-d brought this to mind.
He made me realize that when I listen to people, I’m hearing what they say superficially, but I’m always listening for a deeper meaning - a subtle hint - something to warn me that they really loathe me being there. I generally feel like I’m tagging along, the unwanted little sister that mom makes big sister take care of (this is not my big sister’s fault, by the way). I don’t share my true “feelings” with most people because I don’t trust those people with what I’m feeling. I accommodate what I read as their desired nature of the relationship, and that’s what I feed them, even if I feel something completely different.
Anyway, I rejoice because awareness of this is the first step and G-d has shown me that I have this problem.
Now, what in the world do I do about it? How do I become brave enough to let myself be vulnerable to others?
Posted in Questions?, Along the Way | 4 comments
Posted by Rebecca
Wed, 03 Sep 2008 02:06:00 GMT
It seems that everyone thinks a rooster only crows at dawn.
Well, I’ve been around a lot of roosters on my grandmother’s farm, and I can tell you this. A rooster begins crowing at least an hour before dawn, and continues to crow all day long until shortly after sundown.
It’s obnoxious. Ask any of my fifteen cousins.
Some recent episodes have got me thinking about roosters, particularly because of Peter’s three denials of Christ the night Christ was betrayed. Christ told Peter that he would deny the Son of Man three times before the cock crowed. And Peter lived up to that prophecy.
I’ve lately been listening to streaming Christian radio on headphones at work, mostly to drown out the insane gum smacking that I am otherwise subject to eight hours a day. Inevitably someone asks me what I listen to.
Commence an internal freak-out that calms down only when I lie.
Today as I was walking to the bus, I was listening to Kutless on my ipod and I ran into an old co-worker, who of course asked me what I was listening to.
Of course, I lied.
In my mind, I heard that dadburn rooster.
The sound of it hit me hard.
Sure, I can talk about my faith all day long in the company of other Christians, or certain friends, and my family. I can write about my faith pseudo-anonymously on the internet, where a general lack of identity protects me from the scorn of the world.
But when given 900 opportunities to have a real conversation about my faith, I cower and by doing so, deny people the pleasure of experiencing any amount of G-d’s light that can make it through my broken self.
I fail. Daily.
I began to ponder my actions, and ponder my motives for allowing those actions to persist.
In fear, I wondered if I am ashamed of my Messiah.
See, I don’t want this:
“For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will also be ashamed of him when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy angels.” Mark 8:38, NASB
I want to please my L-rd, and I know I do not do that by concealing Him.
So then I thought, it must be all those crazy Christian extremists out there, who would rather bomb an abortion clinic than to reach out to the women who have had to face an incredibly difficult choice. The ignorant ones who think the n-word is ok. The ones who are blind enough to believe they are superior to Jews.
But that still didn’t seem correct.
Because, duh. I’m not ashamed of admitting I’m a Christian because of Christ, or because of other Christians out there who I fail to agree with on certain things.
I’m ashamed of admitting I’m a Christian because most of the time, I don’t act like one.
I judge people. I gossip. I complain about everything and everyone under the sun. I worry. I’m afraid of a lot of things that I don’t need to be afraid of. I make pleasing people a priority over pleasing G-d.
See, I don’t want to be the reason someone turns away from G-d.
But if I hide Him from them, will they turn back to Him?
Posted in Questions? | 3 comments
Posted by Rebecca
Wed, 27 Aug 2008 19:25:00 GMT
Dear God,
I know you are sovereign and wise and all that stuff, but I have just one question.
Why did you make me so high-strung? What purpose does this accomplish?
My sensitivity to gum smackers is going to land me in an asylum. I really can’t handle it. Really.
It is possible to request that this be fixed? Could you just make it so that it doesn’t bother me? I’ve already tried to re-educate the entire country on what it means to have good manners and that failed miserably. Apparently, I’m the one who will have to change in this situation since the rest of the population is determined to be rude.
Just so you know.
Thanks,
Me
Posted in Questions? | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Wed, 13 Aug 2008 21:07:00 GMT
…but apparently other people are asking this question too.
Posted in Questions? | 1 comment
Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 24 Jan 2008 22:21:00 GMT
When I moved from my 600 square foot apartment into a 10 foot by 11 foot bedroom, I packed up a lot of unnecessary items and put them in storage.
Because really, I had no choice.
However, after spending a year and a half in the the most claustrophobic space I’ve ever inhabited, I am beginning to feel a strong desire to empty out my room and start from scratch. The problem is that I really like everything I have and want to keep it for when I eventually have more space and can use it.
Obviously I need to box up some stuff and store it. It’s just a big task and it means a lot of work and a lot of decisions.
Have you had to downsize/de-clutter? Did you follow any method for choosing what to keep out and what to store? Any suggestions?
I’m not sure if/when I’ll tackle this, but like any big project, I always feel the need to analyze the situation and come up with the most efficient way of handling it. Any ideas you might be able to share will be greatly appreciated
Posted in Questions? | Tags clutter | 2 comments
Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 18 Oct 2007 21:21:00 GMT
There is something in my life that I really love, and I am not trusting God with it.
I want events to turn out a certain way, but am aware that they may not. I’m not ok with this.
I need to be ok with this, because not being ok with this is ruining my life.
So here’s what’s swimming around in my head. I know I need to focus on God’s character and his consistency. That’s great. Nice to know that.
However, the actual trusting thing, does it just come all the way down to a choice? Do I really just need to choose to do that? Can I even make my heart do that?
It seems to me like some kind of transformation is involved, even if it’s only a small one.
I dunno. I just want to pass this test, and I’m not really even sure how to study for it.
Anyone got any advice? Any personal experience in this area they can draw upon?
Posted in Questions? | 2 comments
