Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:55:00 GMT
It’s one thing to trust G-d with the outcome of a situation and know full well that whatever happens, you’ll be ok.
But I’m finding that it’s another thing altogether to be at peace with whatever happens, and it’s even more difficult to be at peace when you can’t see at all which direction things are going. There’s no preparing yourself. There’s no knowing what to do with your emotions.
I never knew it before, but limbo is more uncomfortable than pain, because you can learn to deal with pain. You know what to expect with it, and you can cope with it.
But limbo - which way does your heart go? How long do you have to stay there? What’s going to happen?
I feel like a lot of areas of my life are in limbo right now. I won’t go into details on any of them, but let’s just say they span my family, my relationships, my career path, and my future in general.
Sometimes I’m hopeful, other times afraid. Sometimes I can wait, other times I feel like waiting another second for knowledge with be the death of me.
I know very well that G-d will provide everything I need in the season it is necessary. I know that He will finish the good work He began in me. I know all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. I know all of that.
But there’s an emotional storm taking place in my heart that isn’t settling down. It isn’t taking any direction. It’s just a mess. And I don’t know what to do with it.
It’s a very strange season right now.
Posted in Along the Way | 2 comments
Posted by Rebecca
Sun, 16 Nov 2008 04:31:00 GMT
James Bond is supposed to be handsome.
This man is not handsome.
This man set the bar too high.
I will not see any new James Bond flick that doesn’t have a handsome person playing James Bond. It just doesn’t work for me.
It’s not that I want to see movies that only have handsome men in them. It’s just that James Bond is supposed to be handsome, and a non-handsome dude will never be able to convince me that he is James Bond.
That’s all there is to it.
Since writing the above I can vouch that Daniel Craig does not make a very convincing James Bond, and that the new movie he is in leaves a lot to be desired. Oh well, I suppose that is what I get for going against my resolve in an effort to temporarily escape my incredibly stressful circumstances.
Posted in Oh, the silliness of me! | 2 comments
Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 14 Nov 2008 19:28:00 GMT
British people tend to have very good vocabularies. The more British literature I read, and the more Britcoms I watch, the more I realize how lacking my own vocabulary is and how lacking the American vocabulary is in general.
For example, in the U.S., if someone is trying to reduce their debt (may it never be!), we would say that one part of accomplishing that would be “reducing expenses” or “cutting back expenses.”
The British would simply say, “We must retrench.”
(By the way I’m sure some Americans have incredible vocabularies, but I rarely hear any of that, even in the English Department at UT).
Posted in That Other Category | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 14 Nov 2008 04:17:00 GMT
I am standing in a torrential downpour with no umbrella, no rubber boots, and no rain coat. The wind is blowing, I’m soaked through, and it’s cold. I suppose it’s dark too, and I’m probably alone.
I can’t really think of any better picture to describe how I feel about life right now. Things just keep piling on top of me and I can’t see any relief. All I want to do is run away.
I’ve lost a lot of things this year, mostly in the form of people I care about. What’s worse is that I’ve had so much work to do that I can’t adequately process through my emotions. The emotions don’t go away, they just sit there, always beneath the surface. They are pretty much just enough to keep me from concentrating.
I’m exhausted. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get enough sleep on a regular basis. I might get two nights of good sleep, but it will be followed by two nights of not enough sleep or fitful sleep.
I have a lot of people close to me who are going through a lot of difficult times. I wish I could help, but I am not even able to be a really good listener or friend because I’m so overwhelmed. And this feeling makes me feel even worse.
I’m so on edge that I can’t concentrate. Every little noise completely breaks my train of thought. There is no place quiet enough for me and G-d and there is no place quiet enough for me and my work, work, work.
I try to count it all joy, but it’s really, really hard. That is a mark of maturity that I will really have to focus on because it is tough. I am trying to look forward to the holidays - to some much needed time away from everything without a death being the central focus of it, but that’s not quiet enough to get me through.
I know I have a great community of people who love me, but it’s hard for me to lean on them because so many of them are going through their own storms right now. Or else what I need is something that they can’t or are unwilling to provide.
It’s a difficult season, but of course it will pass and five years from now I’ll remember the major events and not all the little things that made life unbearable. But right now, it just really sucks and I am having a difficult time staying positive.
Posted in Feeeeeeeelings, nothing more than feeeeeeelings! | 5 comments
Posted by Rebecca
Wed, 12 Nov 2008 15:32:00 GMT
I find it interesting that the second you say something negative about yourself people think you are insecure, hard on yourself, self-deprecating, or riddled with low self-esteem.
It seems as though it is unacceptable to be honest and open about your faults.
Newsflash. We all have flaws. I think to not discuss them is to do ourselves a disservice. Many times my conversations about my flaws have provided the means for those close to me to suggest ways I could overcome them. Rarely have these discussions not been beneficial.
There is one person on this planet who knows me better than anyone, and that one person is my counselor. She has declared that I am a person with confidence, and it was a long battle for me to get there. I wasn’t always happy with being myself, and at times my flaws did cause me to have a very negative view of myself. That is over now.
Now I have a balanced view of myself. I really like my strengths and I really value my personality. I am aware of my flaws, and I would like to improve in my flawed areas. But those flaws don’t bring me down. I’m ok being flawed. It’s just the way life is, and that’s fine. Besides, it gives me plenty of reasons to really need G-d every second of the day.
I think our culture is overly sensitive to this idea of being flawed. And honestly, some women do have self-esteem and security issues, and I do think it’s necessary to help those women see themselves more clearly. But I think we should consider what women say about their flaws against their behavior and other things we know about them before we write them off as insecure. Then we will know how to help them - show them a more balanced way of seeing themselves, or offer suggestions of improvement if that is what they truly seek.
Posted in I'm Mildly Opinionated. | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 11 Nov 2008 00:34:00 GMT
My therapist told me this evening that I’m good for a once per month check-up!
God is awesome folks. He did this miracle in me and didn’t even need meds to accomplish it.
Soon, I’ll be completely finished with therapy.
Hallelujah!
Posted in Along the Way | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:19:00 GMT
This is where I went last week - a charming little village called Cedar Springs.
View Larger Map
When I say little, I’m not kidding.
They have a new post office, but even in the
heyday of the town, the original post office wasn’t that big.
Still though, the place has its charm.
I look forward to many more visits there to see relatives, even though my grandmother has gone on to bigger and better things.
no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Sat, 08 Nov 2008 00:51:00 GMT
“If We Never Meet Again This Side of Heaven”
Soon we’ll come to the end of life’s journey
And perhaps we’ll never meet anymore
‘Til we gather in heaven’s bright city
Far away on that beautiful shore
If we never meet again this side of heaven
As we struggle through this world and its strife
There’s another meeting place somewhere in heaven
By the side of the river of life
Where the roses bloom forever
And where separation comes no more
If we never meet again this side of heaven
I will meet you on that beautiful shore
Oh they say we shall meet by the river
Where no storm clouds ever darken the sky
And they say we’ll be happy in heaven
In that wonderful sweet by and by
If we never meet again this side of heaven
As we struggle through this world and its strife
There’s another meeting place somewhere in heaven
By the side of the river of life
Where the roses bloom forever
And where separation comes no more
If we never meet again this side of heaven
I will meet you on that beautiful shore
Posted in Sweet Emotion | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 30 Oct 2008 14:54:00 GMT
This interesting piece of archaeological evidence will be presented to the public today.
no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 30 Oct 2008 12:59:00 GMT
Here’s something counter intuitive.
I am in a yucky place.
G-d shows me myself.
It’s not pretty.
But I rejoice.
Tell me that’s not weird. Isn’t it weird?
That’s so weird.
What’s hilarious is that I’m sure everyone else knows this about me, but I just now figured it out, and it took G-d tweaking my ear for me to get it.
I’ve been trying to be my own fortress.
That sentence just makes me laugh because the very concept of a human being their own fortress is just ridiculous.
But seriously, all that cute and adorable sarcasm and cynicism that you hear from me all the time?
Walls.
I’m not sure that 100% of all that junk is a wall of some kind. I do have a bent sense of humor. But I think a lot of it is me putting more bricks and mortar in the perimeter I’ve spent my life building.
This really sucks because I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t really know how to let people in. I complain all the time that other people fear intimacy, but when it comes to relationships of any kind, I’m terrified of getting super close to people. I think part of this naturally has to do with the fact that over the span of my life nine of my friends have died in tragic accidents. Losing friends really sucks. But I think it’s also because I have been hurt by just about every close friend I’ve ever had, and I’ve been hurt by my family, and I’ve watched tons of people willfully hurt each other. Who wouldn’t want to build a fortress?
It’s amazing how G-d brought this to mind.
He made me realize that when I listen to people, I’m hearing what they say superficially, but I’m always listening for a deeper meaning - a subtle hint - something to warn me that they really loathe me being there. I generally feel like I’m tagging along, the unwanted little sister that mom makes big sister take care of (this is not my big sister’s fault, by the way). I don’t share my true “feelings” with most people because I don’t trust those people with what I’m feeling. I accommodate what I read as their desired nature of the relationship, and that’s what I feed them, even if I feel something completely different.
Anyway, I rejoice because awareness of this is the first step and G-d has shown me that I have this problem.
Now, what in the world do I do about it? How do I become brave enough to let myself be vulnerable to others?
Posted in Along the Way, Questions? | 4 comments
