[ Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 31 Aug 2007 15:33:32 GMT ]
Dominic (my beloved) and Daniel (the friend that is closer than a brother) have probably just arrived in Marseille via a train which left Geneva about 4 hours ago. It should be around 5:15 PM in Marseille right now, if I counted hours correctly.
They arrived in Geneva this morning around 7:45 AM, Geneva Time. That is about 12:45 AM Texas Time.
They will spend tonight, tomorrow, and tomorrow night in Marseille before heading off to Brindisi, Italy, via multiple trains which will carry them through Nice, Milano, and Bari.
Yes. I’m obsessively tracking them because my imagination runs wild and if I keep track of where they should be according to the schedule Dominic gave me, well, I just feel better.
And I like to positively imagine what they are doing, the things they are seeing, and the fun they are having on their man trip. I hope they find it relaxing and worthwhile, because both of their lives have resembled hell lately and they have been in great need of a vacation.
And I’m sure that when they get back, Dominic will read through this and make all the time corrections because I probably counted hours wrong and need to fix the details. And the fact that I am certain he will do that, makes me smile, and makes me miss him all the more.
This just in at 1:37 PM -
Dominic just called me from Marseille. He is tired, but having fun, and Daniel is gaga. I’m glad they got there in one piece.
Posted in Various and Sundry | 1 comment
[ Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 30 Aug 2007 20:38:01 GMT ]
A blessing, because I’m never truly bored.
A blessing, because I can make “computer models” into something about fashion. And that’s just funny.
A blessing, because I know how to articulate what is in my heart and on my mind.
A blessing, because it makes for interesting conversation.
A blessing, because it’s fun.
A curse, because I can imagine the fresh corpse of the ancient which is the infant’s ultimate destiny.
A curse, because I can imagine Dominic’s plane crashing somewhere over the Atlantic tonight, and I can see the mad thrashing in the water, and hear the coughing and sputtering, and I can witness the final choke, and gaze at the glossy eyes and it makes my heart ache like nothing else on earth.
A curse, because it drives me to a half-crazed, itchy-eyed frame of mind.
A curse because creativity withdrawals are hell.
A curse, because I always imagine something better than what I have.
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Wed, 29 Aug 2007 14:02:56 GMT ]
Well, ok, so I’ve written a little here and there on my blog. But I really haven’t tried to write much of anything else.
The reason?
Fear.
I know. It sounds really bizarre and stupid. But the more I’ve pondered my lack of trying, the more I’ve realized that I’m afraid of completely sucking at creative writing.
I’m also afraid of it being really frikkin’ awesome. I’m afraid of what is in my soul, and I’m afraid of having to take responsibility for words.
Apparently, I haven’t quite eradicated my perfectionist tendencies.
So now, I have to MAKE myself write so I can confront this weird fear and get over it.
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 28 Aug 2007 21:05:35 GMT ]
Let me just take this brief moment to be a complete hypocrite and say that all the people on my sidebar need to blog more. So I can have something fun to read.
Because I can’t wait for NaBloPoMo, so get to it!
Posted in Oh, the silliness of me! | 1 comment
[ Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 23 Aug 2007 22:44:51 GMT ]
“Am I really supposed to be a writer? Can I actually say that I’m supposed to be a writer and take myself seriously? It seems so ridiculous.”
“If I show you that you are a writer, and that you were created to write, then yes you can.”
“That’s easy for you to say. But I’m down here trying to figure out how to do it all and I’m getting nothing.”
“You’re forgetting that this isn’t about you. It’s about me accomplishing my great work through you. You are the instrument. I create through you.”
“Right. I did forget about that part. Ok, well I’m gonna chew on that for awhile. I’ll get back to you after I’ve worn out this brain you gave me to use.”
“Works for me.”
“It’s me again. You know what I’m going to ask. I’m scared to ask it because everything around me tells me no, but somewhere in my heart I believe the answer is yes. Is it possible to depict the truth of Your character in a dark and violent, secular story?”
Silence.
And then in class that day we read “A Good Man is Hard to Find” by Flannery O’Connor. Beautiful.
“Ok, so the answer is yes. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not completely crazy, and that the stuff in my heart maybe actually does come from you and is worth paying attention to.”
“No sweat.”
And then I went back to work.
“So what you showed me the other day was really cool. But what about a novel? Can a person possibly write a novel that is considered to be meaningful secular literature but still reveal the truth of your character in it in such a way that it is encouraging, uplifting, gripping, and interesting?”
Silence.
Then I was bored one day and picked up a book of my shelf that I bought last year and never read. It had an interesting title so I gave it a try. I’m still reading it. It is called “A Prayer for Owen Meany” and it’s exactly what I asked Him about.
So now, I’m really paying attention.
Lately, I’m thinking about how I’ve got nothing. My head is empty. Just last night I was wondering where all the plaguing words ran off to. They’ve been gone awhile, as you can probably tell from this blog.
My biggest question lately has been unframed, until today at lunch when I was able to verbalize it to Marci and Caroline. “How exactly do you write a novel? How do you create and develop a compelling character?”
Today, while I was at work, I looked at my desk calendar and realized that it still was on the page from yesterday. It is a Vincent van Gogh calendar that my friend gave me for my birthday, and it’s one of those where each day has its own sheet that you tear off when the day is over. Each sheet has a picture on it.
This one was the one from today, which I saw as I tore off yesterday’s page.
I found this work, “Portrait of Armand Roulin,” strangely compelling. The eyes of this young boy drew me in and I found myself wondering who he really was and what his life really was like.
I decided it would be brilliant to make up a story and write a book about it. Excited over this idea, I even told Marci and Caroline about it at lunch today.
This afternoon, when I was trying to kill the last 15 minutes of work, I decided it would be wise to search for information on this painting using google. After all, if there really was some online bio of the portrait’s subject, it would be stupid of me to write a book about it.
My google search yielded this page which I bookmarked and put in an email to myself. I was bummed to learn that someone had already written the book, but excited to see that it was written by a New York Times Bestselling author. I didn’t know she existed prior to today, so the fact that I had the idea of creating the same story as she did excited me. Maybe my ideas aren’t so bad. I sent an email to Marci and Caroline to that effect.
Then I began to peruse the website further, and learned that the author had placed a wealth of information about writing on her site. I found stuff on there that certainly should help me focus on developing my skills. The author has been an English teacher for 30 years, so her material is not only well-written, but very instructive.
That’s right. He answered my question again.
I was thinking about it on the way home from work. Becky bought me the calendar a long time ago. Today I thought about how to develop a character and write a novel. Today the calendar had “The Portrait of Armand Roulin” on the page. Today I thought it would make a great story. Today I told my friends, and today I searched for info. via google.
But it’s not really about me. I didn’t actually come up with the idea for that story. He put that thought in my head so I would look it up online and find answers to my questions - a place to go to get started and begin figuring things out.
I am supposed to write, and I take myself seriously.
And, I’m really glad that I bookmarked that website and sent the link to myself. I have not successfully been able to come up with a search string to put into google that yields that page as a hit.
Posted in Along the Way | 1 comment
[ Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 23 Aug 2007 19:56:29 GMT ]
I have been in my current position for a year now, and I keep finding myself surprised by how nice and happy most people here are.
This is a first for me.
Every other place I worked, workers were exploited, looked down upon, etc. The politics were ridiculous and there was little room for self expression.
But here, after a year, I find that even the accountants who sit in windowless cubicles in the basement are happy.
Crazy.
I’m not head-over-heels-in-love with my job, but I certainly don’t loathe it by any means. I don’t dread getting up in the morning, and I don’t harbor any negative feelings for anyone here. There are aspects of my job that I love, like helping new students get into their classes, or like the other day when I found a cricket club at UT for a new student from Bangalore who is in the U.S. for the first time and has been here less than a week.
Everyone here is laid back and friendly, fun and respectful, and far from helpless. I am not micromanaged, and I typically get help from people when I need it.
For an admin job, I think I have one of the best ones possible, and I’m very thankful for it.
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 21 Aug 2007 05:18:06 GMT ]
You promised me a heart of flesh. I’ve been looking at my heart lately, searching for the tiniest trace of the fleshy, living heart you promised. If it is what you promised, then why is it that wherever I look in my heart, all I find is stone?
Hard. Cold. Stone.
Do I care about my fellow man? Not really.
Do I love my enemies? No, not really, no.
Do I live like I know I should be living? Somewhat, probably out of habit. I mean, it’s not like I’ve gone off the deep end, but it’s not like I’m doing anything other than treading water.
I sing your praises on my way to and from work, but my heart’s not really in it. It’s pretty much lipservice at this point, and I know it. Do I care right now? Not really.
I’ve tried to try but that isn’t working. And not trying anything isn’t working either. I thought I was up against my will, but I’m not so sure anymore. I think I’m facing something different, and I have NO CLUE what it is and quite frankly, I don’t know that I’m that interested in really finding out, because I’m not really trying. You know that.
What I do know is this. I know you want all of me. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. So I’m giving it to you, here and now.
You can have it. You can have all the cynical, the sarcastic, the road-weary, the apathetic, the angry, the frustrated, the bored-out-of-my-mind-with-life-in-general. You can have it all, because I know that eventually, you’ll make sense of it, and you’ll make something beautiful from it.
I can’t do that.
You can.
Do it. It’s all yours.
Posted in For Jehovah | no comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Mon, 20 Aug 2007 20:39:37 GMT ]
It’s funny how a kind compliment from someone you barely know can really lighten your mood.
This past weekend was really rough, both physically and emotionally. I was fairly ill most of the weekend (spent a lot of time in bed, having multiple near-death experiences) and also had lots of physical labor-type things to do, all of which I got done, thankfully.
I was (and still am) also trying VERY hard to not be a girl, and not count down the days before Dominic leaves for two weeks on his man trip, and I’m trying to not imagine missing him, and I’m trying to not imagine feeling lonely on Tuesday evenings. And trying really hard to not imagine him getting mugged and/or beaten to death in some train tunnel somewhere on the other side of the planet.
I was also taken aback on Saturday by an unexpected phone call which racked my emotions.
Not to mention comments, criticisms and other obnoxious/annoying/upsetting remarks/dirty looks/insinuated frustrations laid on me by a variety of individuals from Friday to now.
No wonder then, that today, a simple comment came across my path like a breath of fresh air.
A graduate student, who was sitting in my office, waiting to hear the results of her proposal defense, commented that she really appreciated my artistic sense. I recently hung some artwork in my office and the place now looks like a professional environment. She admired my ability to match colors, my artistic taste in general, and my writing skills. It made me feel good to feel like I can do something right, in the midst of feeling like I do everything wrong.
Posted in Feeeeeeeelings, nothing more than feeeeeeelings! | 3 comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 17 Aug 2007 18:29:13 GMT ]
Hi.
Please go here and choose five or six words that you think best describe me.
Thanks!
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 16 Aug 2007 21:18:53 GMT ]
…a little blue, let down and disappointed, and tired.
How are you feeling?
Posted in Feeeeeeeelings, nothing more than feeeeeeelings! | 4 comments
