[ Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 10 Aug 2007 15:51:29 GMT ]
…because I had some stressful things on my mind and apparently they came out in two dreams I had.
Dream Number One:
My mother was visiting me and was dying for Starbucks. I somehow only had a motorcycle to drive, and told her to hop on the back. She didn’t want to sit behind me so she asked if she could drive. I told her sure, and got on the motorcycle seat behind her. Then I was coaching her on how to make turns and how to move her body with the bike so that she wouldn’t wreck it.
Weird.
Dream Number Two:
I was meeting my ex-boyfriend from high school to catch up. We were talking about how he figured out, after dating me, that he was actually gay and that’s probably why our relationship was so weird. Then I wanted Starbucks, so we walked along the sidewalk to a place where there was an underground Starbucks…except you had to ride a roller coaster to get from street-level to the underground. And I was like “hell-frikkin’-no.”
And then I woke up.
My coffee this morning, by the way, was not Starbucks, but was still very good.
I’m tired.
Posted in Dreeeeeam, Dream Dream Dream! | 2 comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 10 Aug 2007 04:05:07 GMT ]
So two people have told me this week that I have a lot to give people and can minister to them in unique ways that other people can’t.
I know I’m supposed to listen to this and I’m probably supposed to be inspired by it, but I’m too busy focusing on how I just can’t put down the twinkies.
And I’m up too late tonight. I can’t sleep because I’m wondering if I really am the world’s biggest bitch. Because based on certain reactions to things I say to people, you’d think I must be.
Yeah. It’s gonna be a late night. Thank God for coffee.
Or maybe not.
Sigh.
Posted in Feeeeeeeelings, nothing more than feeeeeeelings! | no comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 09 Aug 2007 21:04:20 GMT ]
Ok, internet. I’ve finally decided to spill it and let you know what is going on in my life, and for several reasons.
One, I need to write this down and acknowledge it because I’m getting nowhere by keeping it all inside.
Two, maybe you have been through this before and have something useful to say about it.
Three, I get more readers when I write stuff from the heart. Having more readers makes me feel good, because then I feel like I actually am a good writer and effectively communicate something that needs to be heard. Yay me!
Ok, so here it goes.
I am an addict, and I am addicted to myself.
Stop laughing.
I’m serious.
I have put on weight in the past year that I never imagined I’d put on in the absence of an alien life form living in my stomach.
The weight is a problem because it has affected my size. Do not give me “oh you’re so skinny” comments because I only have two pairs of pants (out of about 11 pairs) that actually fit me. So shut up, I do not have a complex, I am a confident individual, and I will not become anorexic or bulemic. Put your fears for my life aside and listen. To me.
The weight has come on because I’ve turned into my worst nightmare - the average American. I eat what I want, when I want and in the quantities I want and I don’t exercise.
This sounds superficial because I’m talking about my outward appearance, but I want to make it clear that this is not all I’m thinking of. I am poisoning my body. I’ve already made myself very sick several times this year, and guess what, that coffee? That’s really acidic? And super bad for my almost-an-ulcer? Yeah, I keep pouring it down my throat. And then my stomach cramps up really bad. And I get moody. Like I am now, because my stomach is cramping and burning, because I just had a cappuccino, and I LOVED IT.
That’s the problem, right there. The sensation in my taste buds and the lightning energy that flows through my blood vessels, probably hardening them, as the caffeine soaks into my cells, is more important to me right now than the fact that I AM CREATING A HOLE in my intestines, which by the way, can lead to stomach cancer. Did you know that?
Guess what? As scared as I am of getting stomach cancer, I don’t care. Hahah, and YOU thought I was mature!
This is not good. And it’s not just the coffee. It’s the chocolate, and the sugar, and the ice cream, and Chuy’s, and Chick-fil-a, and Coca-cola, and salt water taffy and computer games.
What’s really bad, is that this attitude of being so overly addicted to pleasing myself is affecting other areas of my life. For example. I have no desire to read the bible, or even try, or anything like that. I also stay up later than I should, and wake up groggy as hell in the mornings, and then take my happy nexium pill, and then get to work and drink coffee so I can function, because guess what? I’m highly irresponsible, and I’m irresponsible with a BODY THAT IS NOT EVEN MY OWN!
Don’t trust me with your possessions, folks. God gave me a body to use for his glory and I’m totally messing it up.
I look at my reflection in the mirror when I’ve put on a cute skirt that I love and that’s when I notice a curve that shouldn’t be there. At least, it didn’t used to be there. You know the one I’m talking about, that is shaped like a bicycle tire and is sitting around my waist. Yeah. That curve. I hate that curve, but not enough to put down the corn syrup.
I’m wasting my energy, I’m wasting my heart, and I’m wasting away doing this to myself. I know that. My heart knows that. My heart wants to change that. But there’s something in me somewhere that is evil and will.not.let.me.change.
At this point, “just stop it” is not good enough. I need to go cold turkey or something, because this is not in my control anymore.
I’m unhappy with my appearance, I feel like crap all the time, and I have no energy to function correctly in the body of Christ.
And I barely care.
There you go. How’s that for a confession?
Posted in Along the Way | 3 comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Wed, 08 Aug 2007 21:18:58 GMT ]
So Dom is working on updating his resume and has given it to me for revisions and suggestions.
One suggestion I made was the following sentence:
“I have turned bleeding-edge technology into profit and can do it again.”
Dominic then said the following to me over AIM regarding the sentence:
[16:11] uthrom: a part of me likes the ballsy-ness of your “capabilities” paragraph
[16:12] uthrom: “I have done it, and I’ll do it again, BITCHES!”
[16:13] uthrom: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! ninja attack jump
[16:13] uthrom: Sorry
[16:14] uthrom: That would be how it would look, if that paragraph was anime.
No wonder I’m in love.
Posted in Oh, the silliness of me! | no comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Wed, 08 Aug 2007 18:08:50 GMT ]
After our favorite deli was sold to a new owner and began consistently producing low-quality sandwiches, Dominic and I kept a lookout for a new deli to frequent.
We may have found one today.
We tried the sandwiches at Avenue B Grocery and I must say, the turkey one I had was good. Dominic was not too crazy about his roast beef, but said it was good enough to come back to try the other sandwiches.
The grocery store is certifiably at least 100 years old this year. And it still sells groceries at a fantastic price.
The atmosphere is great if you do not require heat/air-conditioning, because the seating is all outside on weathered picnic tables. It was hot today, but the tables are all shaded, so we were not uncomfortable.
If you’re near campus or just looking to try out a true Austin original, head down to Avenue B Grocery, exchange a few words with the owner, take in some Austin culture and tuck in a good sandwich, which you may want to wash down with any one of their glass-bottled root beers or sodas.
It’ll make you feel like you’re nowhere near downtown in a city. I think it’s an excellent getaway.
Posted in Various and Sundry | 1 comment
[ Posted by Rebecca
Mon, 06 Aug 2007 16:27:45 GMT ]
I’m going to do a stupid meme today because it may actually turn out interesting, even though they rarely do. Here’s to hoping.
Eight Things You Don’t Know About Me.
1.) I’m afraid of the dark if I’m inside a building. My grandmother’s house at night is especially creepy, because it’s old and creaky.
If I’m outside, I love the dark. Why? Just look up.
2.) I used to have a cartilage piercing. My mom tried to pull it out once while I was sleeping. It got irritated and infected from the yanking and tugging, and I finally had to take it out and let the hole close up. I miss it. Maybe I’ll get another one.
3.) I have a secret love for polka dots.
4.) I have a secret love for polka music. Just kidding! But I really do have a secret love for twangy bluegrass music.
5.) In the winter time, I usually go for weeks without shaving my legs, cause, what’s the point? I’d rather be lazy.
6.) If you think my secret love for Jeff Goldblum is weird, wait to you’ll read this. When I was 12, I had an unexplainable crush on Charlie Sheen. I have NO IDEA why. Seriously, I’ve been weird from the get-go.
7.) My favorite alcoholic beverage is bourbon neat. But it has to be a good bourbon, like Woodford Reserve.
8.) I have never lost at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit.
There. Now your life is complete. Bloggers, feel free to do your own meme, so that we can all feel like we know each other a little less superficially.
Posted in Oh, the silliness of me! | 1 comment
[ Posted by Rebecca
Mon, 06 Aug 2007 15:33:35 GMT ]
Dominic managed to rescue a number of my blog entries from his Google reader account. I have everything back to just before the Norway trip. Today I entered everything from February and March. I can only do a little at a time because it’s all cut-and-paste.
What’s sad is that the comments were not preserved, nor the links that were embedded in some of the posts. So, once I get all the posts added, I have to go back and try to figure out what I linked to, so the posts make sense. There’s nothing I can do, however, to recover the comments that you guys left me. Sniff sniff.
Fixing stuff that broken technology destroyed is so.much.fun!
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Mon, 06 Aug 2007 13:26:34 GMT ]
God, it’s happening again.
I’m becoming apathetic. I can feel it seeping into me and I’m doing all I can to hang on.
Wait, no. No, I’m not doing all I can to hang on because right now I don’t care.
So here we are, you and me. You caring and loving and me loving but not caring, so I guess I’m not really loving after all.
I know this is bad. I feel like I’m outside myself, and the part of me that is outside knows better and can see that what the part of me on the inside is doing, or not doing, is detrimental and even just plain wrong. I’m poisoning myself in too many ways.
It’s weird.
So here’s what I am asking, God. I am asking for help, because I know there are some things that needs to change, but I’ve been ramming my head against the brick wall that is my will and I’m not getting anywhere. My heart wants to change but my steel will refuses to be moved. I can’t even make a dent in it.
This frightens me because I’ve come a few steps on this path and I sure don’t want to go backwards. I want to be obedient inwardly and outwardly but I can’t do it right now, with out your help, because I don’t care enough to do anything about it. I’m exhausted, and I only care enough to pray.
So I’m choosing to pray a dangerous prayer. It’s dangerous because I know you will answer it and the answer will make my skin crawl and bring excruciating pain to my flesh. But I’m praying it anyway because I’ve been through a lot of excruciating pain and the gain at the end was always worth it and I came out of it ok, and I loved you more for carrying me through it all.
So here’s the dangerous prayer.
Break my will. Don’t just bend it. Break it. Demolish it. Crush it. Because I cannot live with my own will…it is killing me slowly and nothing I do changes it. I need divine intervention, and I need wisdom to know what do with the pieces once you smash my will into oblivion.
I need to be able to listen again. I need to be able to seek again. I need to be able to care again. I need to be able to love again.
I need to live for you again. Help me get there.
Posted in Along the Way | 1 comment
[ Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 03 Aug 2007 13:28:46 GMT ]
I meandered over to a blog today, where I read this post.
I almost cried, right here in my office, because I know exactly how he feels and I am so afraid of this happening to me again.
I lived in the pit of hell for at least four years and when God reached in and pulled me out, miraculous as that was, it still took me four years to recover.
And I’m still working on just being “normal.” The counselors and therapists and shrinks call it “well-adjusted.” Basically, it just means you can deal with life.
I still have really hard days, though. Sometimes, I have really hard weeks and I get really scared and I think nobody knows it but I’m pretty sure that at least some people know it. That’s one of the weird things about depression…you really believe you can hide it, but it affects EVERYONE around you. I admire RLP for recognizing it and doing something about it immediately. He’ll defeat it this round, too, because he is not just thinking of himself.
Depression is a selfish disease. Once you stop dwelling on yourself, you get lots better. Funny how that works.
But I find myself a little discouraged today, because I’ve read so many blog entries by so many different people who have experienced depression in the past and find themselves in it once more.
I don’t ever want to go back there. God, please keep me from ever going back there.
But I’m afraid that, since it has happened to a lot of other people, it will one day happen to me. I mean, I think I know how to stop it. I think I know the triggers. I’ve been in therapy nearly four years now and I’ve learned a ton. But, surely these people have, too. So what does that mean?
Posted in Along the Way | no comments
[ Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 02 Aug 2007 13:49:22 GMT ]
Hey y’all -
There are a few new posts over at “Instead of Working.” Check em’ out.
Peace.
Posted in That Other Category | no comments
