This is who I am

Lately I’ve felt guilty about a lot of things - not spending enough time with people, not going to bible study the last four weeks, not making it to church regularly, etc.

I am very frustrated, because I want to do all these things.  I really do.  I love being a part of the community of believers and I love participating in the activities where I learn more about the character of God through the communal study of his word, and  where I get to worship him collectively with those who are on a similar journey.

But lately it just seems like I have WAY too much on my plate, and sadly, the things that have gotten neglected have been the things of the Spirit.  And I feel tremendously guilty about it.  At the same time though, I feel like I can’t do it all.

What’s weird is that I pray a lot.  I praise God a lot and thank him for so many things.  It’s not like I’m ignoring him.  I dont’ read his Word every day, but I’ve gotten to where I read it 4-5 times a week, which is WAY better than it used to be.  Of course, I don’t really study the word because I don’t know how, and I feel like every time I open the bible I have no direction whatsoever. But I still do it…I do the best I can do and I know that’s what he requires of me right now.

I feel really disconnected with the community and I know part of that is my fault.  But the community has lost a lot of the “family feel” in the past six months and maybe I’m just  having a hard time accepting that.  I know that I  have to put forth an effort if that family feel is going to come back, but again, I feel like I can’t  handle everything.

With school and work and still being sick and trying to maintain a serious relationship, I feel like anything will cause me to collapse.  I thought that was what God was teaching me this Spring - lay some things and down and take care of myself so that I have the energy to give to the body.  But the energy is STILL not there and more and more each day the guilt I feel for not being active grows. I can’t see if the guilt is coming from the enemy or my own self-judgment.  There’s just a lot I can’t see right now and I feel very alone (I know I put myself in this position.)

I do have the hope of learning another beautiful lesson. I have learned that no matter how I feel or what the circumstances look like, not to despair.  God disciplines the children he loves, and I know that I am being disciplined and taught.  I am constantly aware of God’s presence around me and I feel his love on me.  It doesn’t make me less tired or frustrated, but I know He is with me and I know that I’ll get through this and come out on the other side looking the teeniest bit more like his Son.   I just have to figure some stuff out first.

I like a look of Agony-

because I know it’s true.

Men do not sham Convulsion,

nor simulate, a Throe.

The Eyes glaze once, and that is Death-

Impossible to feign.

the Beads upon the Forehead

by homely Anguish strung.

—Emily Dickinson

We had a guest stay at a nice hotel downtown back in April, but when I received the invoice it did not have the tax exemption applied to it. So I fax the invoice, along with a new exemption form, to the hotel and requested that a new invoice be sent to me.

Ten minutes after I sent the fax, I called to make sure they had received it, and a very nice young lady told me she had it and was working on it at that very moment.

I never received the fax.

I have called multiple times since then and gotten the same type of response or I’ve gotten kicked over to accounting where I’ve had to leave a voice message that inevitably resulted in my call not being returned.

Today, I called again. This is the conversation I had:

Hotel: Good morning and thank you for calling the hotel in downtown Austin. How can I assist you?

Me: Can I be transferred to accounting?

Hotel: Is it for a bill or a receipt?

Me: It’s for a bill. I’m with the University of Texas at Austin and I have an invoice that needs tax exemption applied to it.

Hotel: Is it the 6% or the 9% tax?

Me: I’m not exactly sure. Usually the exemption is applied and I don’t even see a percentage show up on the bill.

Hotel: Are you state?

Me: Yes, the University of Texas is a state agency.

Hotel: But are you state government or educational?

Me (forcing my patient and polite professional voice, while rolling my eyes) : Well, it’s the University of Texas at Austin (me thinking: like I’ve said twice now) so I assume that it would be educational. (Like, duh!)

Hotel: Well, if you are educational then we can only exempt the 6%.

Me: Ok, well I’d like to have the 6% exempted then.

Hotel: What’s your fax number?

Me: 555-5555

Hotel: OK, I’ll have it right to you. Oh, do you have the exemption form?

Me: (The one I’ve faxed you oh, five or six times?) Yes, I have it.

Hotel: Can you fax it to me?

Me: Sure.

I’m not holding my breath, and I’m trying really hard to not gouge out my eyes.

In my long incarceration and involvement in work-release at UT, I have come to learn that regardless of discipline, individual professors have some of the most amazing personality characteristics.

Sure your Physics profs are going to be way different from your Government profs, but in the end, each prof with whom you come in contact is worth scrutiny merely for the entertainment.

I met my new professor this morning. He fits the profile of an English professor - laid back, witty, well-spoken. There’s just one problem. He isn’t British. He’s American.

I say this because he looks like he should be British. Yes, he’s that unattractive.

And, his teeth are way too big for his mouth, so when he’s not talking his mouth just hangs open and I find myself worried that drool will escape before he complete his sentences. When he does speak, he sounds like he is trying to spit every time he says “f,” “s,” or “th,” even though he doesn’t actually have a lisp. He just sounds spitty.

He also has a John Wayne pause thing going on when he speaks. “What you’ll find with Emily Dickinson……………………………………….is that her writing is very personal and…………………………………..idiosyncratic.”

Now you can understand why I’m worried about the drool.

It will be an interesting five weeks, to say the least.

It was not death, for I stood up,

And all the dead lie down

It was not night, for all the bells

Put out their tongues for noon.

It was not frost, for on my flesh

I felt siroccos crawl,

Nor fire, for just my marble feet

Could keep a chancel cool.

And yet it tasted like them all,

The figures I have seen

Set orderly for burial

Reminded me of mine,

As if my life were shaven

And fitted to a frame

And could not breathe without a key,

And ’twas like midnight, some,

When everything that ticked has stopped

And space stares all around,

Or grisly frosts, first autumn morns,

Repeal the beating ground;

But most like chaos, stopless, cool,

Without a chance, or spar,

Or even a report of land

To justify despair.

Today I signed up for an account at the Maker’s Diet Online Site. I have felt for a while that I’m kicking against the goads as far as healthy living is concerned. I’ve been convicted in my spirit about this for a long time, and I’ve decided that I am going to do something about it, and do it in the manner that I think is most inline with with my faith.

I have decided that I want to post my daily progress on a blog, but since it will probably be rather boring, I created a new blog here at wordpress specifically for my health-diet progress. For those of you are insanely hard-up for stuff to read while you are bored at work, you can track my progress here.

I’m not exactly sure what all I will post on that site, but posts might include meals, temptations, praises, struggles, or laundry lists of the day’s activities.

For you praying-types, I could use a lot of prayer as I embark on this new journey.  I know I can do it, but I have a will of iron that needs to be broken in order for me to be successful.  Throw a prayer or two in the mix for me!

It seems like I just finished up my Viking class, but I start summer school in Thursday. I’m still tired and I don’t feel as if I’ve fully recovered from the onslaught of the Spring.  I’ve disappeared from society for a little while, and it has helped a lot. Sometimes I just need to not be around people, and I need to give my head some time to clear.

I wish I could do this more often than I do.

I am taking a class on American Literature since 1865, and I think it will prove interesting.  While I’m looking forward to reading the material, I’m not looking forward to having and hour and a half class every day for five straight weeks.  I’m not looking forward to having 2-3 hours of homework every day and even more than that on the weekends.

I know it’s a short period of time, but even going into to a little tired still stresses me just a bit. We’ll have to see how it goes.  I may be AWOL from society for a little while longer.

The greek Professor next to my office just brought his two sons (ages 6 and 4) to his office and I haven’t seen such absolutely beautiful little boys in forever. They are both olive toned with delicate features, brown curly hair and huge dark eyes complete with little-boy eyelashes.

It’s really cute too because they are talking to their dad in English and he is speaking back to them in Greek and they understand each other perfectly.

There are a lot of professors in my area who have young children and they bring them up here from time to time. It’s nice to see the personal sides of the people with whom I work. It makes them seem so much more like regular people instead of brilliant brainiac engineers.

I like it.

Oh, and now the beautiful wife of the greek professor just came in and she’s super nice, and super American and super pretty.

And the cutest thing ever just happened.  The oldest son, Thano, just told his dad, “Miss Rebecca lost her tooth!”

I couldn’t help but laugh, because I get that from kids all the time.

Then the greek professor, looking a little embarrassed, said to me, “Actually, it is a greek tradition that you will become very rich because of that space!”

That would be nice, but for now, I’ll settle for a chance to see cute kids who can’t help but make me smile.

Today, with Dominic’s help, I gave birth to the brand new domain which will eventually grow up to host the posts from my old blog, hopefully somehow magically combined with the new posts from this blog.

The domain name will be www.thisiswhoiam.org. The name of the blog will most likely be “This is who I am.”

I do not plan to keep the name Superbecks but I won’t go into why just yet.  You can read it on the “about” section of the new page, once it’s up.

I don’t expect the new blog to be fully operational in the immediate near future, but I will certainly post updates here.

We may even have a ribbing cutting ceremony when the other one is up and running. Yay! Partay!

Oh, and lemme just say, I may continue to use wordpress as my blogging software, because it just scored major big points with me.

I accidentally hit some windows hot key which logged me out of my machine.  When I logged back in, this current post, which was incomplete, was still there and I didn’t lose anything. Happy me!