Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 02 Jun 2009 15:41:00 GMT
Lately, I’m chewing on the concept of grace.
I know that I’ve been saved by grace through faith in Christ, and I know there’s nothing I will ever be able to do to earn salvation. It’s a free gift, it’s been given to me, and I’ve accepted it. I try to live according to G-d’s precepts, but I miss the mark.
In fact, I miss the mark so much each day that there’s no possible way to keep track of all the things I do wrong.
But sometimes, the wrongs I do are glaringly obvious, at least to me. Most of the time, even my thoughts are wrong, and believe me, I keep track of those things.
I keep track of those things and I think about them incessantly. I don’t worry so much, in the sense that I am not afraid of losing my salvation. But I confess I’m afraid of broken fellowship. I’m afraid of losing closeness with G-d. And sometimes, I feel like I put a wall up between him just because I’m disobedient.
I’m often disobedient without meaning to be. It’s that whole sin operating in the members of my body thing, you know? But then, sometimes I flat ignore him. I flat rebel. Or I feel like something is hopeless, like I’m never going to be able to control my mouth so why try? Those are the times when I feel guilty and I hate life because it’s so damn hard to live according to what I believe. I feel like I lack integrity and that my character is terribly tarnished.
Those are the things that bring me down. Way down.
And then I think, well, if I have this attitude, I’m really spitting on the cross because all this crap has been defeated, so why can’t I live like it has been defeated? Why can’t I give myself the grace that G-d has already given me? Does He want me to mentally and emotionally flog myself? I doubt it. Christ took the beating already. No repetition is necessary, and it’s not like beating myself up will accomplish anything anyway.
So if I know this truth, what am I missing? Why is this not so ingrained in my being that I immediately remember the cross when I slip? Why do I punish myself instead?
It seems to me that somewhere, my understanding is incomplete. I just don’t know where, and I don’t know what the missing pieces are, and I don’t know where to find them.
I think living what I believe isn’t just about abstaining from sin. I think it’s also about confidently living in the knowledge of Christ, what He did, and how He changed my identity.
I just don’t know how to do that.
Posted in Along the Way | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 21 May 2009 18:40:00 GMT
Kris Allen at the grand opening of the new worship center for New Life Church Greater Little Rock in September of 2008.
Bloom where you’re planted.
Posted in For Jehovah | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Wed, 20 May 2009 15:19:00 GMT
So far, this year has been interesting, difficult, and highly rewarding.
The odd thing is that for all its difficulties, the year has been easy.
I blame G-d.
A year ago, having a hail storm destroy my car would have destroyed me.
A year ago, not knowing where I was going to live or when I’d have a stable home would have knocked me completely off balance.
A year ago, the idea of developing new relationships with people would have scared me half to death.
This year all these things have happened or are happening, and even though I’m tired because yes, some of these things present challenges that are taxing to my body, mind and soul, I’m ok.
I’m actually pretty fine and dandy. I’m settled in my spirit, for the most part. Currently one thing is keeping me on my toes but I won’t go into the details here.
I think it’s an excellent testimony to G-d that I’m able to withstand and move through the circumstances that present themselves in my life. I feel like He has equipped me to make decisions on faith when I’m not getting any strong inclination to go one way or another. I feel like He has given me wisdom, support through the community of which I’m a part, and the guts to jump out there and do something. It’s the next phase of Him growing me up. It’s a scary phase, but it’s a good phase.
The fact that, with a little help from my friends, I got through the car fiasco and am getting through the housing adventure, builds my confidence in the L-rd to provide everything I need when I need it, and it builds my confidence in my own ability to just flat out handle life.
The more confident I become in the L-rd and in who He has created me to be, the more I fall in love with Him.
He is my reward this year, and you just plain can’t top that.
Posted in Along the Way | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 14 May 2009 03:22:00 GMT
prophesy - [prof-uh-sigh]
–verb (used with object)
- to foretell or predict.
- to indicate beforehand.
- to declare or foretell by or as if by divine inspiration.
- to utter in prophecy or as a prophet.
prophecy - [prof-uh-see]
–noun, plural -cies.
- the foretelling or prediction of what is to come.
- something that is declared by a prophet, esp. a divinely inspired prediction, instruction, or exhortation.
- a divinely inspired utterance or revelation: oracular prophecies.
- the action, function, or faculty of a prophet.
Please note the only spelling difference is ‘s’ versus ‘c’ but the sound of the words and the meanings they convey are very different. This is something to consider when you are reading scripture out loud to a group of people.
I’m just sayin’.
Posted in Along the Way | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Mon, 11 May 2009 18:50:00 GMT
I am currently dog-sitting in a beautiful house in Westlake Hills.
The puppy and I are old friends - members of a pack that went separate ways a few years back because pretty much everyone was getting married and we were all sick of our crazy landlady.
There are large windows and decks all over the house, and it is nestled in the woods and wildflowers cover the grounds. There’s a beautiful view of downtown from one deck, and in the evenings, the rooms are lit by the moonlight streaming in.
I have the place to myself for now, and let me tell you, there’s nothing like being in the a/c and still being able to enjoy the beauty of nature. For a person with a heart like mine, this is the perfect mini-vacation from life that I needed right at the perfect time.
I have space, I have nature, I have a puppy, and I have cable tv. Not to mention free range in the kitchen and an awesome master bathroom to shower in.
G-d is good. He has blessed me with good friends and He has good timing. I intend to make the most of this opportunity to get some rest and relaxation before it’s back to the real world.
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 05 May 2009 13:04:00 GMT
This post is for people who believe that G-d made people. If you don’t believe that, that’s fine, but you probably won’t get anything out of reading the rest of this post.
Ok. So. G-d made people. He made them each unique, with a specific design in mind, and a specific plan for their lives.
Unique. Specifically designed.
He knows our ins and outs. He knows how our brains and hearts work. He knows our favorite flavors of ice cream and our deepest fears and secrets.
There are 16 different personality types, according to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Whether or not you even believe in the MBTI, at least it provides evidence that humans have figured out that to some extent we are all different and unique and yada yada yada.
So, if we each are one-of-a-kind, and if G-d designed us to be that way, does it follow that G-d would only have one way of relating to us and that we would all have to figure out how to make that one way work? Or does it follow that G-d, being superfabulous and awesome as He is, would automatically know how to relate to us in ways that would speak to our unique ways of understanding and seeing the world?
Personally, I think it’s the latter. It makes no sense to me that G-d would expect an INFP to rely solely on empirical data, excel spreadsheets, and logical proofs to make every decision about everything in that person’s life.
Rather, wouldn’t G-d speak in a way that would be picked up by that person’s intuition? Wouldn’t that person be able to “feel” (for lack of a better word) the presence of G-d and know that He loved them?
I think when we pigeon hole G-d into one way of relating to people we not only reduce G-d to some one-dimensional being, but we also invalidate the experiences and faith journeys of people who maybe got to where they are by a different path. I’m not talking here of different gods. I’m talking about reason versus intuition.
I’m an INFP. I’m as intuitive as it gets. I make decisions based on my gut instinct. Sure. I seek wise counsel, I ask for prayer, I do research, I pray, and I weigh pros and cons. I am, in fact, perfectly capable of using my brain. But after I’ve done all that, I come to a point where I just know what to do. I can’t explain it any other way. I just know. I’m pretty sure this is because G-d makes things known to me at the right time.
Does G-d give me signs? I don’t ask for them, but I believe He does give me signs of confirmation that I’m going the right direction or that I should step back and wait something out. He also uses them to draw my attention to things that would otherwise escape my notice. G-d relates to me on my level, and because He is willing to do that, I know He loves me.
Does that mean if you don’t get signs G-d doesn’t love you or you are living disobediently or you are not special? Absolutely not. It just means He probably knows a better way of relating to you that is more personal, more intimate, and more tailored to the unique abilities and gifts He put in you. For some people this is intuition. For others, it’s excel spreadsheets full of data that display a trend. Both are equally valid. Remember, there are many parts to the one body and each part is different and serves a different purpose for the benefit and action of the whole.
I recently purchased a new-to-me car. I hadn’t even had it three hours when a car in front of kicked up a bunch of loose gravel and put several chips in my windshield. I was slightly ticked, but then just laughed at the situation. I figured G-d wanted to show me right off the bat that I need to hold my possessions with an open hand. And I do. I have a tendency to become over-attached to material possessions, likely because I come from a lower-income family and never really had anything super nice growing up. So I invest emotionally into empty objects and this is not good.
A more rational person may take issue with my assessment of the above experience. A more rational person may think that I felt I was being punished for loving material possessions. A more rational person may think that my theology is screwed up. This is likely because my experience doesn’t fit the rational person’s experience. A more rational person may believe that G-d gave us brains for reasoning and for processing the knowledge and wisdom given to us in the bible.
Here’s where I take issue with the rational person’s assessment. Who are any of us to say that G-d has only one way of working? Who are any of us to say G-d would never use real life experience, be it having your father thrown in prison a week before graduating high school or gravel hitting your new car, to teach us or remind us of spiritual truth? Who are any of us to invalidate, seriously or jokingly, anyone else’s experience and relationship with G-d?
If what is learned is backed up by scripture, if what is learned is solid truth, then who cares if it came by way of gravel on the road or a data trend in an excel spreadsheet?
I need to love and trust G-d and not be overprotective, over-in-love-with and greedy with my material possessions. I’m pretty sure that’s scriptural, so I’m pretty sure it’s valid.
After thinking and praying about it for a few days, this is what my gut tells me, so I’m going with it. Someone else may think I’m crazy. They may even think I’m messed up in the head. But I know G-d loves me and I know He teaches me and I know He will never leave me and I know all of this by experience, and if that’s how G-d has chosen to reveal spiritual truth to me, then I’ll take it.
Posted in Along the Way | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 01 May 2009 15:40:00 GMT
Man oh man do I need some down time.
I’m getting sleep and several stressors have been removed from my life. However, at this point in time, I’m confined to constantly being around people. I have no retreat of my own.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love all the people I’m spending time with - they are awesome and I’m truly thankful that I get to spend time with them in their homes.
I just need a place to go where I can be alone and veg out. A place where there is silence and inactivity. A place where my brain can process everything that has taken place in my life in the last few weeks (and even months).
This is the problem with introversion. To some degree, there is a high level of personal maintenance involved in being introverted. In a busy city with a busy life, sometimes this maintenance is flat out hard to come by.
The result is that I’m constantly tired, I’m a little cranky, and I can’t concentrate very well.
Blah.
At least I know I will have time to myself in about a week and half. I’m really looking forward to it.
Posted in Moods | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 28 Apr 2009 02:36:00 GMT
So I moved, I’m a nomad, and I have a new-to-me Honda CR-V.
I’m super duper thankful for all of G-d’s blessings.
I’m also perfectly ok with things settling down now. :)
Posted in Along the Way | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:04:00 GMT
Last night while hanging out with my girlies there was discussion on feminine wiles etc.
One woman, who will be getting married soon, was asked for advice on how to catch a man.
She went into a long schpiel about this that and the other, and her knowledge on such matters was most impressive.
But honestly, I think when you meet someone that you click with, if there’s chemistry there, you just know what to do.
I haven’t “caught a man” in the sense that I’m getting married soon or whatever, but I’ve been in several relationships, and each had their own kind of chemistry (at least at the beginning) and I always knew what to do.
So ladies, don’t worry about your skills. They kick in when the time is right. Follow his lead and dance the dance. If nothing else, you’ll have some good times.
Just my two cents.
Posted in I'm Mildly Opinionated. | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Thu, 23 Apr 2009 02:29:00 GMT
Helplessness.
It’s a feeling I utterly hate.
I hate it with a passion.
Hate it. Hate it hate it. Hate it hate it HATE IT hate it.
Did I mention I hate it?
What’s weird is that, even with all the chaos I’m facing in my own life, I don’t feel helpless about my stuff. It’ll be fine. I’m not terribly worried - just mostly annoyed that I have to deal with crap and can’t play in the sunshine all the time. No biggee, just life.
What I feel helpless about are other people and their crap. G-d decided to gift me with the ability to listen and people know I listen well. That means people talk to me. A lot. About their stuff. Which is fine. I want to be there for them. And I give a damn.
But I hate it when I can’t help. Maybe listening is all the help they need, but I want to be able to give them practical, useful advice. Or at least speak words of comfort to them, or something. But mostly, all I can say is I’m sorry.
I’m sorry things didn’t turn out the way you planned.
I’m sorry your dreams have come crashing down around you.
I’m sorry you lost a friend.
I’m sorry you’re chronically ill.
I’m sorry you worked your ass off, sacrificed a ton, and the payoff was low.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Maybe that’s enough for my friends, but for some reason, it’s just not enough for me.
I want answers. I want justice. I want balance.
I hate feeling helpless.
Posted in Feeeeeeeelings, nothing more than feeeeeeelings! | no comments
