Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 27 Mar 2007 18:28:00 GMT
My inconstant and fickle heart never ceases to amaze me. I never can go five days in one humor and most of the time I can’t go five minutes in one. Today I deal with this reality once more as doubts and fears creep into my mind and heart.
These are the very doubts and fears that God himself calmed within me, and I can’t help but wonder what it was that enabled me to let my guard down.
I often struggle with getting things right, and when I say struggle I mean my mind is dominated with the fear of failure. Sure, I am confident in my personality and confident that God loves me and that there is a grace which covers me every time I slip and fall. This, however, does not mean that I’m one hundred percent content with falling. I’m terrified of falling because falling hurts and I’m a person who is very familiar with pain. Pain is not pleasant, and I’d rather avoid it if possible.
The confidence of which I earlier spoke is new found. I was not always comfortable in my skin. There were times when it wasn’t warm enough, or when it was too hot, or it was too tight, too loose, or too itchy. I felt I didn’t fit in it. Then God came along and tailored me to fit my garment. I’m still settling in to the realization that it fits well and is exactly what I was meant to have on. For those of you who are lost in my metaphor, ask me later and I’ll explain in plain, boring, non-metaphorical English.
What I’m getting to is that though I am confident, sometimes I forget that I am. I stress and worry that I’m making a big mistake. The more people I talk to, the worse this gets. The more I research something, the more confused I become. This is partly because there is a tiny portion of me that still wants people to be pleased with my decisions. I can’t bear the thought of someone sitting in their living room, judging me for a personal life decision that I made. It sounds ridiculous, but those of you who know me well know that there is a part of me that is just that – ridiculous. I’m ok with being ridiculous. It makes me real.
Another aspect of this difficulty is that I am a forward-thinker. I have suffered the consequences of poor decisions made by ancestors, who have long since passed from this world, and I know of their decisions, and I see the cascading effect of those decisions down through the generations to me. I shudder at the thought of making a decision that will affect my children and grandchildren and others on down the line. I can do something with my life that can have a huge positive or negative impact on their lives, and I’d much rather pass on the positive.
When sticky situation arise, I tend to look within myself to see where I need to grow. I tend to be of the general opinion that if a circumstance in my life is painful, then there is something in me that needs to change so that I can rise above the circumstance. Did I mention before that I’m idealistic? Maybe I didn’t.
This week, I’ve been dealing with the concept of envy. My pastor spoke on it this past Sunday and I think my humor changed at least 7 times during the service as I took in the truth which he spoke. I had been praying for God to give me wisdom regarding spiritual growth, because I hadn’t confronted anything in myself for awhile and I knew that there was more in me that needed to change. Then I heard the sermon on Sunday and was shocked to the core when I realized that I am a deeply envious person, and that I had rebelled against seeing that in myself for a very long time.
As a result of this, I have been launched into a complete re-examination of my motives for, oh, just about everything in my life. I have learned that making decisions out of fear is really insane, but I never thought about envy. Now I am filled with the fear that it has been a motivating factor in my plans and decisions for life, and I am second-guessing everything. I thank God that humility comes with the wisdom he gives. I believe this is true because when I receive wisdom from God, it throws into sharp relief my own blind stupidity. I’m so glad he loves me in spite of myself. I am also glad that in the grand scheme of things, I really know nothing, because if I knew it all, I’d have no need for God and I am falling more in love with him each day.
I’m not sure this post has any conclusion, but that’s ok. Sometimes, there can be joy in finding no conclusion, because after all, the journey is the exciting part of life. But for those of you who are always moved to pray for me and would like to know specifically what I prefer prayer over, you can pray for this: that through this God would reveal himself to me and myself to me and empower me to change the direction of my life in any area requiring that change, and that my heart would take hold of this and not let go of it.
Posted in Along the Way | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 23 Mar 2007 21:24:00 GMT
I received an email message from my secret prayer team today asking if I had made any progress on this.
I had fully intended to provide a timely update on this situation but time got away from me, so I’m doing this now. The query from the secret prayer team was a good reminder to not leave everyone hanging.
God heard my prayers and the prayers of my community, and I have seen his hand working in the situation in very real and observable ways. Instead of throwing in the towel and giving up on the situation, I’ve decided to stay the course a little longer.
God provided just enough shade to give me rest so I can continue through the desert, just as he promised.
For those of you who have been praying for me or will be praying for me, thank you so much. It is a great encouragement to me to know that I am not standing alone.
Grace and peace be with you all!
Posted in Along the Way | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 23 Mar 2007 15:24:00 GMT
At work, I have a mouse with a scroll wheel. I love the scroll wheel. I use it often, usually to scroll up and down a web page or in my email inbox.
It’s been a very busy week, and I noticed just now that I have to scroll six times to get from the top of my email inbox to the bottom of my email inbox.
This is six times too many.
I am a firm believer in not scrolling in the email inbox. What I mean by this is that in a single glance I should be able to see all my current email messages. I’ve enlarged the window and I still can’t do it.
Most of the messages have been handled in some way, they just haven’t been filed. I personally don’t like this because if an unanswered email message is buried in a pile of messages that have been dealt with, I don’t always notice it, even if I flag it.
So, this afternoon, I’m hoping to clean out my email inbox and get it back to where it should be…scroll-less.
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 20 Mar 2007 17:41:00 GMT
Lately I’ve experienced some weird little things that are kinda funny.
Saturday morning, early, at about 3 am or so, I woke up to something stabbing me in the side. Turns out it was a roller-ballpoint pen. Which I then hurled across the room because how dare it wake me up in the middle of the night?
The next morning, I of course discovered the ink stains that were all over my sheets, my pajamas, and my skin. I also discovered the cap to the pen.
The Moral of the Story: Watch out for renegade ink pens. They’ll get you EVERYTIME.
This morning, by some miracle, I had time to dry my hair. I parted my hair and combed it and began drying it. I always dry the left side first and then the right side. Don’t ask me why, it’s just the way I always do it.
Well, this morning, I somehow managed to trip the internal breaker in the dryer. I say this because I’d much rather believe that I tripped an internal breaker (because there HAS to be one in there somewhere) because I refuse to accept the fact that after a mere year of irregular use, my dryer went out. I checked the plug. I unplugged it. I plugged it back in. I hit the test and reset buttons. The dryer would not come on, no matter what I did.
So I got to come to work with the left side of my hair dry and the right side very wet.
The Moral of the Story: Hair dryers. They don’t make em’ like they used to.
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Sun, 18 Mar 2007 20:41:00 GMT
Most mornings when I wake up, I feel like I shouldn’t even bother to get out of bed. But I get up, with God’s help, and I face my days and they are mostly ok. I typically end up glad that I got up. I got to see people I enjoy, or I learned something new, or saw some glimpse of God’s beauty that made the day worth it.
When I woke up this morning, I felt like I shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed. But I did. I went to church and it was ok. There were some nice reminders, and the guy who taught Sunday school said some good things.
But here I am, at home in bed, writing this blog because the weight that I feel on my heart right now is so heavy that I regret waking up at all this morning. If I could just sleep though Sunday, I feel as though I might make it out alive.
You see, I’m caught again. I’m caught in my circumstances and they are not going the way that I think they should and my heart is breaking and my nerves are raw and someone somewhere is pouring massive quantities of salt in all my wounds and I feel so alone.
There are people who care and I’m glad. There are people who don’t care and those are the ones that hurt the most.
This is where you should shut up and listen. I don’t want your trite little band-aids on my gaping bullet holes, ok?
I am here once again, with my toes at the edge of the Grand Canyon of Depression and even though I know in my heart that I’m not falling in it feels like I am because the bottom is such a long way down and my mind likes to play tricks on me.
I am so angry and so hurt and so confused and so scared and so sad that I can’t even fake my way through life right now.
I am facing a decision that I can’t make but have to make. I can’t make it because I can’t tell the different between right and wrong. But I have to make it because my life cannot continue to go in the direction it is going. Don’t get me wrong. This is not a “to sin or not to sin” question. I’m not stupid. It’s a decision that could make or break a lot of things for me because almost every aspect of my life is somehow or another tangled up in it.
Tangled is a good word. I’m tangled up and I can’t separate fact from fiction. I can’t separate truth from lies, or wise from foolish.
I can’t make heads or tails of the situation. I’m in the trenches, under fire and I can’t figure out what to do next, but I know I can’t stay where I am because I, and everyone else with me, will die. My field radio is dead and so is my medic. I’m the CO and it’s all me. Shells are exploding all around me and the guy next to me is screaming because his arm just got blown off. And somehow, in the middle of all of this utter and complete chaos, I have to make a wise decision.
Right.
Posted in Feeeeeeeelings, nothing more than feeeeeeelings! | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Sat, 17 Mar 2007 17:41:00 GMT
I stole this from Marci’s blog because I thought it was neat.
You. Can. Only. Type. One. Word. No. Explanations.
- Yourself: frustrated
- Your spouse: single
- Your hair: tousled
- Your mother: beautiful
- Your father: absent
- Your dream last night: stressful
- Your favorite drink: tea
- Your dream car: practical
- Your bedroom: messy
- Your fear: heartache
- What you want to be in 10 years: closer
- Who you hung out with last night: Dominic
- What you’re not: worthless
- Muffins: blueberry
- Time: dusk
- The last thing you did: ate
- What you are wearing: pajamas
- Your favorite weather: springtime
- The last thing you ate: oatmeal
- Your life: adventurous
- Your mood: pissy
- Your best friend: Dominic
- What are you thinking about right now? today
- Your car: honda
- What are you doing at the moment? answering
- Your summer: sweltering
- Your relationship status: single
- What is on your TV? book
- What is the weather like? nice
- When is the last time you laughed? dunno
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Tue, 13 Mar 2007 19:03:00 GMT
I got my hair cut today, and I must say, my stylist did a great job once again. She gives me a great haircut every time I see her, without fail. She’s been cutting my hair since I was 19 and mistaken for a boy because my hair was so short. She mad me look like a girl again. She’s fabulous.
To top it off, she’s affordable. If you have short hair, it’s $35 and if you have long hair it’s $40. To get consistently high-quality service at that price is very unusual, especially since her shop is in downtown Austin. If you go to Ulta you will pay at least twice as much.
She is also talented. Ask my sister. Kinder may have gotten the “beautify yourself” genes but God evened things out with our hair. Kinder looks like she just stepped off the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine all the time. She’s gifted that way. I of course look like I just got back from feeding the hogs out back. But, I got the manageable hair, with the perfect amount of body in it and she got the dry, frizzy fro. The funny thing is that because I lack the skills to make my hair consistently look good, my hair usually looks bad and her hair usually looks great. What happens when we get together? She plays with my hair and we both look fabulous.
I digress.
The point of this post is really to say that I always tip Ruby. Until today, I usually gave her a tip of $5 because I have five fingers on one hand and it’s a nice round number. But today I was startled by the thought that I may be under-tipping. After all, polite gratuity at a restaurant is at least 15%. So today I tipped $7, because you know, that extra $2 will really pad her pocketbook.
What do you think is a good tip for someone who always does a great job on your hair, always remembers what you last talked about even if it was 8 months ago (yes it’s been that long since I last had a haircut) and always asks about your family members by name? Is there a percentage rate or is it a flat fee?
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Mon, 12 Mar 2007 08:11:00 GMT
Before you get upset at the title of my article, please stop and consider that adjective which modifies “liberal.”
I never have problems with the opinions of those who are truly educated, no matter what party they belong to and no matter how much I disagree with them. I think we need balance in this country. I can’t fathom how freakish our nation would be if we were all left or all right.
The bottom line: if you are an educated liberal, this does not target you. And if you are an uneducated Republican, there are other scenarios in which this principle can apply to you.
That being said, I will now mount my political soapbox, which I rarely do.
I have a friend who is more educated on the war and foreign policy than I am, but I have hands on experience with the injustices people face here at home. And I have to say, I am really tired of people complaining about the government not taking care of people, or how people are selfish if they don’t want social programs. I have noticed that these complaints often come from people who never roll their sleeves up and get dirty doing work. In general it seems that these complaints come from people who are too caught up in their own lives to look past the ends of their noses and actually help another soul on this planet. If this is not you, then feel free to disregard the impending tirade.
I had a conversation about that with a friend today. He is a liberal non-practicing catholic and I am a moderate-leaning towards conservative evangelical christian. We’ve been friends for nearly 4 years and God only knows how. He was whining about social programs and how in general, Republicans tend to not support them.
I told him that I have no problem with social programs if the programs actually work. But the one that I have seen in action (namely welfare) fails miserably in my eyes. I am not saying this because I think people don’t need welfare. I know firsthand that plenty of people need welfare. But they also need an education.
I spent two and half years working with inner city children who live every day of their lives in east Austin. Most of them never ever see other parts of the city. They never have a chance to witness what life could be. Their reality consists of poor education facilities, not enough food, multiple men moving in and out of the house, and unsafe streets.
I have been inside the homes of their parents, parents who intentionally have more children because they get a bigger welfare check. These kids often miss meals and rely on school lunch programs to keep their stomachs from aching with hunger. They grow up in government subsidized projects where rent costs their parents a mere $4.50 per month. You’d be amazed at what you find in their homes. They often have luxurious home entertainment systems including stereos, plasma TVs and every kind of video game console you can imagine. Your tax dollars hard at work. And their children are starving.
It’s not that these people don’t need the money, it’s that they need money management education and accountability. You cannot break the poverty cycle without education. It will never happen.
Of course, if you break the poverty cycle and educate a large portion of your constituents, you run the risk of them becoming educated and possibly leaving your side of things. So why bother educating them when you have them right where you want them? If you really care about people, why don’t you take the silver spoon out of your mouth and go see the shit hole they get raised in? Why don’t you process legislation that will change the world instead of keeping it the way it is?
Now, you can argue that the other side of government is just as corrupt. I will agree with you. There is no innocent political party. Both sides lie and both sides work hard to keep their people voting for them. My point is that if you are going to buy into the party line, be responsible and check things out for yourselves. Take the bus instead of driving your gas guzzler. Walk 20 steps to the recycling bin instead of tossing your coke can in the trash receptacle under your desk. And for the sake of those people who you swear in your heart and by your mouth to help and defend, get off your lazy ass and get involved. Until you do this, I don’t want to hear one word from you, because if you are not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem.
When I told all this to my friend, he was silent. After a few minutes, he changed the subject and began rattling off all the things he had to do at work.
The scary thing is that I think that what I said didn’t even phase him.
Next week, if you’re lucky, I’ll get on my soapbox about the American soldiers who have perished in Iraq. That’s bound to be lots of fun.
Dismounting soapbox.
no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Sat, 10 Mar 2007 00:07:00 GMT
Here’s a question for you. Well, I guess it’s primarily for those readers who have a relationship with Christ, but if you don’t consider yourself to be of the religious variety, feel free to chime in because I’d like to hear the opinion of someone who doesn’t partake in the faith.
I am a Christian. To me, this is more than just going to church and doing good things and memorizing verses. It is a lifestyle, a relationship with the One who can change me into something better than who I would be on my own. It is a relationship with someone who knows me completely and intimately and understands me and can relate to me in a way that no one on earth can. I believe that my faith should change and shape my life, how I make decisions, how I view the world, and how I treat people.
I consider myself to be in the process of this change…I can tell you a laundry list of things that have been overcome in my life by God’s power, and I am well aware of many other things that need work. In other words, I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect to be perfect until I get to heaven.
So. Here’s the question. Is it “better” to be honest about who you are or is it “better” to try your hardest to present your faith through your life? That sounds really confusing so let me give you a more concrete example.
I link to a number of secular blogs. I find the majority of them humorous and I can always use a good a laugh. There is one in particular that I like because of the style in which it is written; as a writer I value such things. While I cannot possibly express my entire self on this blog, I do believe that it gives a fair representation of who I am (my faith, my inner turmoil, my frustrations, my love, my sense of humor, etc.) But I sometimes wonder if people read my blog and get a mixed message. I talk about my faith, but I link to things like ”Marmaduke Explained” which can be downright vulgar. I still think it’s a funny concept, because really, Marmaduke makes no sense, and I still laugh at the vulgar jokes, because yes, I’ve lived in this world and yes, I understand them. I find them funny, but I don’t necessarily find them “right.” Is it “better” for a person to be 100% who they are right now, and be open and honest about that to the world, or is it “better” to represent only the finer aspects of a person’s present nature? In this example, is it “better” to remove those links or is it “better” to leave them alone?
I have an opinion on this, and I’m not looking for anyone to calm an insecurity that I have. I just wonder how you folks see this particular question. Please be honest. This is the one time I’ll give you permission to write a novel on *my* blog.
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
Posted by Rebecca
Fri, 09 Mar 2007 21:07:00 GMT
After losing last weekend to work and stressing all week over a test today (which felt like it went well) and a paper, I’m feeling rather uncreative and rather uninspired today. So, instead of writing about weird people in my office or what God has shown me lately, I’m going to write a few boring and uninteresting lists, mostly so I’ll be able to refer to them later and remember some stuff that I would like to do. My lists even have very uncreative and uninspired titles. Items on the lists are in no particular order.
A Bunch of Things I Wouldn’t Mind Doing Before I Go Home:
- Hike part of the Appalachian Trail.
- See as many national parks as possible, including Yellowstone, Glacier, Yosemite, and Big Bend.
- See the northern lights.
- Become fluent in another language.
- Author something that gets published.
- Get married, have a family.
- Go to New Zealand.
- See REM in concert.
- Visit the Holy Land.
- Read every play and sonnet written by Shakespeare.
- Memorize as much of the bible as I can.
- See the Magellanic Clouds.
A bunch of things I’d like to do this year:
- Finish half of what is left on my degree.
- Memorize the book of James.
- Lose 15 pounds (on again off again).
- Develop transparent relationships with friends.
- Know God better.
- Finally get a tan.
- Write more.
- Get rid of more clutter (I’ve been working on this but I don’t feel like I’ve even made a dent in it!)
- Buy a loft bed from Ikea.
There you have it folks. Apparently, in addition to my many other fine qualities, I’m also goal oriented. Yay.
Posted in Various and Sundry | no comments
