The ones I have loved.
[ Posted by Rebecca Tue, 02 Oct 2007 03:39:00 GMT ]
As I was settling into my bed this evening, ready to konk completely out after a busy and tiring day, my mind, of course, started going.
I found myself thinking about the few people in my life whom I have truly loved. I didn’t just feel attached to these people. I loved them with that truly selfless love that rarely exists. It’s not really a romantic love, although in some cases I think it could have definitely grown into that. It’s the love of never ever forgetting those people, and their essence, and the way they made your heart smile, and how you felt more like yourself with them than when you were alone. That kind of love.
Jennifer D. was the first. It was third grade. We were best friends…she is the only best friend I’ve ever had. We did everything together. She was like a lost puppy, and I looked after her. No one was as nice to me as she was. I still think about her every Memorial Day, which is the anniversary of her death. She was only on this earth for eight years. I think about how I couldn’t eat my cheerios after my mom told me she had died. I think about how, for the first time, I had that world-crashing-down-around-me feeling that most people wouldn’t feel for the first time until they were adults. I remember the shock. I remember feeling my blood run cold. I remember Jennifer’s smile, and her sweet spirit, and her brown freckles and blonde hair which was always crimped. I remember her friendly eyes and how they looked at me through her silly glasses. My heart smiles just thinking about it.
Ryan P. was the next one. I met him at Arkansas Governor’s School the summer of 1998. He instilled in me a love for physics that no one else on earth could have. I seriously regret that I lost touch with him. He was hilarious, and I could talk to him.
Aubri F. was also a friend I made at Governor’s School. She was a strong Christian, which was a new concept to me at the time. She latched on to me and we just clicked. We spent a lot of time together and she was the first girl I ever knew in my life that I could honestly cry in front of and confide in. It would be years before I met another girl like that. I wonder what she is up to now. She was fabulous. No doubt she still is.
D. Shafer was the next. He was the first guy I think I could have really had a meaningful relationship with. We were buds and had a spiritual connection with each other. He lived four doors down from me in the dorm my freshman year. We could have gotten into serious trouble together, but I wouldn’t have it. Even though I couldn’t really admit it to myself, deep down inside I knew I had massive issues. I couldn’t stand the thought of my issues ruining what we had, so I threw away my time on some other worthless guy, because I didn’t care about the other worthless guy. He just kept me company. But D. and I were different. I remember the last night we were in the dorm. My room was all packed up and his room was all packed up and every one else was gone. We layed on his bed (all his sheets were packed up) staring out the window, talking all night long. We were still talking when the sun came up, and it was time to leave. It was a kind of goodbye for us. He’s one of the only regrets I really have from college. I regret that I didn’t give him a fair chance.
Justin M. came into my life a year later. We clicked really quickly, and we still keep up. He introduced me to Braveheart, Scent of a Woman, and several others. Justin also always had a better view of me than I had of myself. I chose to push him away from me because I was terrified of becoming future baggage in his past. We had a fantastic friendship, and I didn’t want to lose it. It was strained for a little while, but I think that if were to meet for dinner tomorrow, we’d pick up right where we left off. He will always be special to me. Hell, he is probably going to read this and think I’m just being nice. He’s humble like that. Hi, Justin!
It’s funny how people leave a mark on you when you aren’t looking, and then years later, you find that they are still embedded deeply in your heart, and you have that love ache when you think of them. Time and a lot of healing and painful lessons have taught me to open my eyes. There are people in my life right now who won’t be there forever…that rarely happens. But I am wise enough to recognize that they are inscribing their marks on my heart and that I will be forever changed as a result. I am glad they are here. I am glad that I will have them to look back on in years to come.
