This is who I am: Category Along the Way

Limbo This Limbo That

Rebecca — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 08:55:00 -0600

It’s one thing to trust G-d with the outcome of a situation and know full well that whatever happens, you’ll be ok.

But I’m finding that it’s another thing altogether to be at peace with whatever happens, and it’s even more difficult to be at peace when you can’t see at all which direction things are going. There’s no preparing yourself. There’s no knowing what to do with your emotions.

I never knew it before, but limbo is more uncomfortable than pain, because you can learn to deal with pain. You know what to expect with it, and you can cope with it.

But limbo - which way does your heart go? How long do you have to stay there? What’s going to happen?

I feel like a lot of areas of my life are in limbo right now. I won’t go into details on any of them, but let’s just say they span my family, my relationships, my career path, and my future in general.

Sometimes I’m hopeful, other times afraid. Sometimes I can wait, other times I feel like waiting another second for knowledge with be the death of me.

I know very well that G-d will provide everything I need in the season it is necessary. I know that He will finish the good work He began in me. I know all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. I know all of that.

But there’s an emotional storm taking place in my heart that isn’t settling down. It isn’t taking any direction. It’s just a mess. And I don’t know what to do with it.

It’s a very strange season right now.

Huge Praise!

Rebecca — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 18:34:00 -0600

My therapist told me this evening that I’m good for a once per month check-up!

God is awesome folks. He did this miracle in me and didn’t even need meds to accomplish it.

Soon, I’ll be completely finished with therapy.

Hallelujah!

A Not-So-Mighty Fortress Is My Heart

Rebecca — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 07:59:00 -0500

Here’s something counter intuitive. I am in a yucky place. G-d shows me myself. It’s not pretty. But I rejoice.

Tell me that’s not weird. Isn’t it weird? That’s so weird.

What’s hilarious is that I’m sure everyone else knows this about me, but I just now figured it out, and it took G-d tweaking my ear for me to get it.

I’ve been trying to be my own fortress.

That sentence just makes me laugh because the very concept of a human being their own fortress is just ridiculous.

But seriously, all that cute and adorable sarcasm and cynicism that you hear from me all the time?

Walls.

I’m not sure that 100% of all that junk is a wall of some kind. I do have a bent sense of humor. But I think a lot of it is me putting more bricks and mortar in the perimeter I’ve spent my life building.

This really sucks because I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t really know how to let people in. I complain all the time that other people fear intimacy, but when it comes to relationships of any kind, I’m terrified of getting super close to people. I think part of this naturally has to do with the fact that over the span of my life nine of my friends have died in tragic accidents. Losing friends really sucks. But I think it’s also because I have been hurt by just about every close friend I’ve ever had, and I’ve been hurt by my family, and I’ve watched tons of people willfully hurt each other. Who wouldn’t want to build a fortress?

It’s amazing how G-d brought this to mind.

He made me realize that when I listen to people, I’m hearing what they say superficially, but I’m always listening for a deeper meaning - a subtle hint - something to warn me that they really loathe me being there. I generally feel like I’m tagging along, the unwanted little sister that mom makes big sister take care of (this is not my big sister’s fault, by the way). I don’t share my true “feelings” with most people because I don’t trust those people with what I’m feeling. I accommodate what I read as their desired nature of the relationship, and that’s what I feed them, even if I feel something completely different.

Anyway, I rejoice because awareness of this is the first step and G-d has shown me that I have this problem.

Now, what in the world do I do about it? How do I become brave enough to let myself be vulnerable to others?

Update to Arab Conspiracy to Conceal Archaeological Evidence of Exodus

Rebecca — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 23:56:00 -0500

Here is the website for the movie article mentioned in this entry. Watch the trailer and other promotional videos here. They are incredibly exciting.

I can’t wait to read the skeptics trying to figure out how to poke holes in this. It will be very interesting to see how this movie is received.

Thanks to Phil for sharing the site with me.

Exposure of Arab Efforts to Conceal Evidence of Ancient Israelite Existence in Middle East

Rebecca — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 10:44:00 -0500

This article is better viewed in internet explorer, for some ridiculous reason.

How long will they live in denial?

Psalm 141 (NASB)

Rebecca — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 08:17:00 -0500

An Evening Prayer for Sanctification and Protection.

A Psalm of David.

O LORD, I call upon You; hasten to me!

Give ear to my voice when I call to You!

May my prayer be counted as incense before You;

The lifting up of my hands as the evening offering.

Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth;

Keep watch over the door of my lips.

Do not incline my heart to any evil thing,

To practice deeds of wickedness

With men who do iniquity;

And do not let me eat of their delicacies.

Let the righteous smite me in kindness and reprove me;

It is oil upon the head;

Do not let my head refuse it,

For still my prayer is against their wicked deeds.

Their judges are thrown down by the sides of the rock,

And they hear my words, for they are pleasant.

As when one plows and breaks open the earth,

Our bones have been scattered at the mouth of Sheol.

For my eyes are toward You, O GOD, the Lord;

In You I take refuge; do not leave me defenseless.

Keep me from the jaws of the trap which they have set for me,

And from the snares of those who do iniquity.

Let the wicked fall into their own nets,

While I pass by safely.

Prayer for the Peace of Jerusalem

Rebecca — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:05:00 -0500

I was glad when they said to me,

“Let us go to the house of the L-RD.”

Our feet are standing

Within your gates, O Jerusalem,

Jerusalem, that is built

As a city that is compact together;

To which the tribes go up, even the tribes of the L-RD–

An ordinance for Israel–

To give thanks to the name of the L-RD.

For there thrones were set for judgment,

The thrones of the house of David.

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:

“May they prosper who love you.

“May peace be within your walls,

And prosperity within your palaces.”

For the sake of my brothers and my friends,

I will now say, “May peace be within you.”

For the sake of the house of the L-RD our God,

I will seek your good.

–Psalm 122, A Psalm of Ascents, of David (NASB)

Jerusalem Bulldozer Terrorists Kills Three in Rampage

Dear Jerusalem, for the sake of the house of the L-rd our G-d, I will seek your good.

What I feel, What I Know, What I want.

Rebecca — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 09:19:00 -0500

Hello, L-rd.

This is what I feel.

I feel overwhelmed by the number of responsibilities that are on my shoulders, and by the number of commitments I’ve made. I very much want to be a person who keeps her word, but I am so very exhausted by everything I’m juggling that I often feel like keeping my commitments will result in my physical death. As such, I am hesitant to make any commitments to even hang out with friends. Now I’m worried that I’m becoming non-committal. Can people trust me? Can they count on me? Probably not. I don’t like that.

I chose to commit to everything with very good intentions. Sometimes the road to hell and the road to heaven are difficult to distinguish. I hope I’m on the right road, even if that means for a time I have to be completely exhausted, drained, and empty.

I am not satisfied with life because I feel like I have to squeeze You in to my tight schedule, L-rd. It should really be the other way around and I know this but I don’t know how to get there. I don’t want to establish this over-activity as a pattern for my life. I want it to be a season, and I want to know that this season has a definite end.

I want to experience joy as a result of what I do. But if I’m exhausted at the very thought of doing anything, there’s no room in my heart for joy to flourish. I want to live life abundantly, not barely get through each day on a half-whispered prayer and jar full of hope. I want to conquer. I want to defeat. I want to live victoriously. How can I get there if I’m too tired to move? Sometimes I’m so tired I can’t even sleep. How does that make sense?

I feel so wiped out. I feel wiped out spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. The trouble is that there is more work ahead. It is work that will require energy on all these levels. How can I do it if I’m empty?

This is what I know.

I know that I am justified before You, my Creator. Because Your Son gave me faith, I can stand before You, or fall flat on my face before You, and You will always accept me. I know that Your grace is sufficient and that You will supply all my needs according to Your riches and glory.

I know that You have plans to prosper me spiritually and that You are molding me into the person You already see me to be. I know that this will pass and that abundant blessings are waiting for me on the other side of this situation.

I know that You love me unconditionally, and that in You I am completely secure. I know that the condition of my heart is what you judge, and the works of my hands earn me nothing.

Knowing these things, I ask You to please honor the desire I have deep in my heart to love You above everything else that exists, and that You honor the desire I have deep in my heart to serve you willingly, no holds barred and no matter the cost. You said You would give me the desires of my heart. These are the desires of my heart, L-rd. Trembling with fear and awe, I am boldly extending my open hand to You, expecting You to make good on Your Word. Your character, after all, is unshakable and unchanging, and Your Word does not return to You without accomplishing the purpose You sent it for.

Please L-rd, enable Your word to do Your work in my heart. It’s all I want.

Thanks!

Rebecca — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:06:00 -0500

So for those of you who read yesterday’s post, took it seriously, and prayed, thanks! I have already started seeing the fruit of your prayers.

I wrote an entire page of an essay today that I want to be really good - and I think it will be once I finish. It involves a very clear image of a spiritual truth and I’m excited about it.

Now I just need to keep writing.

And you? You just need to keep praying.

Writer's Block?

Rebecca — Thu, 29 May 2008 08:09:00 -0500

When I first began blogging in 2004, I didn’t always know what to write about. After awhile though, it became obvious that my blog was the perfect platform for sharing my faith journey with my community. Several times a week, I would post about the wonderful ways in which G-d had revealed aspects of His character to me, or the new and amazing way He had healed some area of my broken, pathetic little life.

If the server that hosted my blog hadn’t died a year ago, you’d be able to go back and read those posts, but they are gone so I have no proof of it. You just have to trust me.

Anyway, I don’t write like that much anymore, and it bugs me.

I think what bothers me most about this is that I can’t put my finger on the reason. I don’t know why it’s not happening. I can come up with several possibilities, but nothing concrete. As a problem solver, I’m frustrated that I can’t find what needs to be fixed.

One possibility is that my life is pretty simple right now. For several years, it was full of drama - rough relationships with friends and family, a really terrible job, no money, depression, you name it.

That is no longer the case, hallelujah! I have a fantastic living situation, a rewarding relationship with Dominic, boundaries with my family (wow, this is so helpful!), a good job, and I’m bearing a little bit of spiritual fruit.

Is it merely that I am only inspired to write when my heart and soul are lying in blood-drenched shreds all over the floor? Can I only share drama with the tiny percentage of the internet that actually reads me?

What about my life now? Why can I not write about the amazing things that G-d is revealing to me in His word? Why can I not share with you all what it feels like to ACTUALLY be walking with Him daily? (It’s amazing, by the way) Is is because it is too wonderful to describe? Is it because I’m selfish and only want to write about how physically drained I am?

Is it because I’m tired? Distracted? Just plain lazy? Discouraged about my writing? Frustrated because there are a lot of things going on that I’m truly not at liberty to share? Is it because no one comments on my boring posts, so I feel like I’ve lost the audience that I used to have?

What is it?

I used to think that this blog was my ministry - after all, the only real tangible gift G-d has given me is the ability to convey what is in my heart and head in a very descriptive and honest manner to other people through writing. For awhile I did have a “large” following - between thirty and fifty readers daily. That was nice. I felt like I had something to say and the world wanted to hear it. My readers were worldwide and that was cool.

Then the server died and it took forever to get the replacement set up with a new blog so I could continue writing. Things haven’t been the same since.

I’d hate to think that I can’t write because I feel like I have no audience. That never hindered me before.

Anyway, here’s what I want to happen. I want to be compelled to write about my faith journey again. I want to be compelled to express it clearly and honestly to anyone who reads my blog regularly or comes across it somehow randomly. I want to share the miracles that take place in my life daily. I want to magnify G-d and minimize myself.

So.

For you praying people out there - get busy.